Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Feeling Limited

Julio: what up broheim
got a few minutes to spare, while i'm at the airport
Kyle: whats up babe
10:24 AM what airport
Julio: colombo, sri lanka
i just took an hr long ride in a tuk tuk
i feel like my mouths been taped to the end of an exhaust pipe
10:25 AM Kyle: haha
Julio: had a nice screaming match with the driver
in order to bargain down the fare to 50%
b/c we literally had no sri lankan currency left
10:26 AM Kyle: you paid him in pond water and sour gummy bears?
Julio: he just wanted a box set of Prison Break
i had a hilarious convo today with this kid
10:27 AM near my hostel
he's like
so, is X-Files based on a true story?
i said no
it's the fiction of 12 Jewish guys in LA
he said, oh
like he knew what i was talking about
10:28 AM Kyle: and then you were like, "the other day, me and my girl were like, listening to the XX eating spanicopittas from Whole Foods, and she was like God, White Ribbon is such of rip off of Children of the Corn, hhahah."
Julio: trains are some real ass shit though
you can hang out the side
Kyle: what
Julio: like you're robbing it
when you take a piss
it's literally just a hole that leads to the tracks
you can see the tracks whizzing past
as you whiz
10:31 AM Kyle: sounds like the perfect way to pee
im going to paint train tracks in the bowl of my toilet
10:32 AM and then move my head up and down really fast as i pee making "chug chug chug"sounds

Monday, November 9, 2009

Natural Born Scientists

π: who's ready to get down and suck monday's dick????
K-Pax: please, im still narrating my sunday in the fashion of David Attenborough
π: ha
K-Pax: i dont get depressed till I see Mathew Weiners name in the credits
π: is mad men on?
oh wait, its like 1pm your time
K-Pax: yea im just finishing my coffee and whatever MAlcom gladwell has to tell me for the week
what is it fuckling wednesday there?
whenever id talk to my friends from Barcelona id say "sorry I cant understand you from this far in the futre"
i must not have done my general relativity ratio properly before hitting the green button on Skype
π: its still sunday, but tomorrow we go back to 1989
and i get to listen to old people go on about how they couldnt eat bananas in e. berlin

Sunday, November 8, 2009

1 Year Anniversary!

I guess we were too busy drinking/fighting/fucking/loving to notice this, but WEEKEND TERRORISM turned 1 year old on October 22nd. Sincere thank yous to all five of our readers.


From L.A. to the Bay

AliceWaters: most people from LA do not like the Bay
to live in i mean

6 minutes
7:39 PM EvaLongoria: Either you think it's beneath you and you hate it, or you think it's beneath you and you love it (i.e. you look at everyone as prey), or you love it (in which case, you probably hated LA anyway)
7:41 PM AliceWaters: yea i get that. I mean nothing against you at all of course. But clearly LA people are horrible, but the generaly population up here is so unattractive we let them slide. But for those of us who are good looking (eh hem) we generally view them as vaginal and anal secretions
7:44 PM EvaLongoria: sorry you need to repeat that. i was just finishing up my xlarge pinkberry
7:45 PM AliceWaters: I cant I have to head over to a prop 8 rally
7:46 PM EvaLongoria: im campaigning for cheap, affordable Tom Ford eyewear
7:48 PM AliceWaters: i just took a shower in recycled soy products

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Auf Wiedersehen!

11:40 PM Gudrun: ok, so berlin
11:42 PM Ursula: right ...
Gudrun: people actually say "wunderbar" (splendid)
i thought that only came from superman comics from the 1940s
surprised to find its an actual word
11:43 PM Ursula: ha, i heard they also say "jews" (or a word that sounds like that) for a goodbye greeting which i find nicely disgusting
Gudrun: yeah exactly

48 minutes
12:31 AM Gudrun: alright my boy, i'm out for the night
Ursula: JEWS
Gudrun: talk soon

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Being A Woman Is The Shit, Probably

6:32 PM Jean-Claude: the fuck are you up to homeboy
6:33 PM Pierrot: just got home from a fucking catering gig omg
Jean-Claude: what?
Pierrot: i just picked up like 25 hours of work over the last two days
Jean-Claude: well on your way to selling a tv show to ABC i see
6:34 PM Pierrot: exactly
It does feel good to be without a doubt the coolest motherfucker in a room of 150 though
6:35 PM its like group head, but only one dick
Jean-Claude: ha ha
6:36 PM Pierrot: but i bet im the only one who has to come home to three chocolate cookies, a banana and top ramen
Jean-Claude: arent you supposed to be stealing canapés and pot roast at these kinds of jobs
tray of devilled eggs, just "falls off the truck"?
6:38 PM Pierrot: yea i did
but i ate them there
6:39 PM got caught today too
eating soup
how embarrasing
Jean-Claude: fuck
Pierrot: its like getting caught jacking off, not to porn
or being arrested for stealing a case of coca cola
6:40 PM brb 90 sec
6:44 PM yo
Jean-Claude: so what kind of event did you cater?
6:45 PM Pierrot: well it wasnt really catering only
it was a HUGE conference at the Fairmont hotel
nicest in SF for sure
700 peops
had to room monitor, check in. and cater
all OT though
and easy
6:46 PM 4 blocks from my place
Jean-Claude: got it
ive worked those kinds of things before
6:47 PM but as a videographer
Pierrot: theres was one there
Jean-Claude: a lot of watery looking dudes in bad suits walking around with their wedding rings hidden in their pockets
6:49 PM Pierrot: thats right on. lots of guys who were like "yea I get it" when id make a joke and then walk away thinking. "fuck the youth"
Jean-Claude: haha
6:50 PM Pierrot: i swear. both my bosses were gay. so I just acted a little gay and flirty
i got whatever i wanted
being a woman is the shit probably
Jean-Claude: yeah i hear you
whenever i walk into the party i seek out the gay dude
6:51 PM im like, 'here's a guy who will probably be interested in what i have to say'
Pierrot: haha
hey do me a big gay favor. ok
6:52 PM text 510 465 2144. "hey cam, this is Cuyler via Julian. Im home and you can come by whenever. xoxo" you mind???

Sunday, September 13, 2009

"Oh nothing, just hanging out watching the US Open"

8:39 PM
Federer: i wish i still enjoyed coke cause i'd do a ton of it
Del Potro: sigh
8:41 PM
Federer: i wish i still enjoyed graphic novels too, but i guess it's for the best
Del Potro: or that you were gay bc you would fuck the living shit out of Floyd right now
Federer: exactly being straight kind of shuts you out
according to me, the world is flat, basically
there's a whole turtle under that globe that i have no idea exists

if that sounds weird, that's some shit medievalers used to believe
Del Potro: no no no I know it. "turtles all the way down"
Federer: ha yes
alright i'm out

Thursday, September 10, 2009

My Dick Voted Against Universal Health Care

11:21 PM Chad: my dick is so gay it fucks my own ass
11:22 PM Jeremy: my dick thinks therefore it is
Chad: ha!
11:24 PM my dick is resting calmly on the couch while i sit at my desk. he said he needs a "power nap" whatever that mean
11:25 PM Jeremy: my dick just needs it's space
Chad: my dick is mad at your dick
11:27 PM Jeremy: my dick took a couple of your eggs and probably won't tell you
11:28 PM
Chad: my dick spends five nights a weeks at his girlfriends only to come home and complain that the electric bill is too high and doesnt want to pay half

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Cohn: last night i watched the first half hour of Manhattan and then the first half hour of Bottle Rocket. That may have been the funniest hour of movie magic in my life
11:39 AM Pedro: Manhattan is probably my favorite Woody Allen
fucking Mariel Hemingway or whoever that pre-teen is
what a heartbreaking scene
Cohn: it is here
11:40 AM Pedro: she offed herself huh
Cohn: no
her sis
Pedro: yea margaux
Cohn: yes
mariel is alive
and in films
11:41 AM Pedro: a giantess
if i, as some skinny, smart ass asian motherfucker
somehow started dating mariel hemingway
11:42 AM id be so fuckin glad her pops is under the ground
Cohn: foreal
Pedro: Thanksgiving would be like D Day
11:43 AM Cohn: "so Mr Hemingway, the lost generation hey?" pop pop pop
Pedro: haha
"hey Ernie, have you seen Keyboard Cat? Check this out .."
11:45 AM shit, i wonder if Pops threatened woody with violence if he tried anything funny
11:46 AM Cohn: he wasnt dead?
Pedro: i dunno
when did he die?
Cohn: its her Grandpa
her mom is his first wife
Pedro: oh he was long gone
Cohn: mm
Pedro: manhattan wasnt till the late 70s
11:47 AM Cohn: if he saw the phrase @juliantran hed probably just have killed himself anyway

Friday, July 17, 2009

I Can't Keep Doing This ... With These ... People

1:10 PM AnhQuanFraticelli: i'd pay 35 bucks to have an orgasm right now
that's how hungover i am
1:11 PM DenzelRubenstein: im surfing inet dating sites, foreal
im wearing a swimsuit
AnhQuanFraticelli: one of my good buddies out here has a true match.com success story
he likened it to "looking at fish in a barrell"
1:12 PM i'm thinking of posting my profile, but with a white jewish guy's picture
to see how horribly disadvantaged i am in real life
it's a struggle
1:13 PM DenzelRubenstein: haha
AnhQuanFraticelli: i work twice as hard to get the same pussy as a less cool white guy
it's insane
1:14 PM DenzelRubenstein: im looking for specific skill sets right now. amazing tolerance for cigarette smoke in bed, bisexuality, willing to beat me and makes >$50,00/year.
very few out there
1:15 PM AnhQuanFraticelli: the beating you part and the >50k are opposites on the venn diagram
DenzelRubenstein: im basically looking for that one retarted fish that gloates at the top of the barrell and plays dead until you fuck it to life
AnhQuanFraticelli: ha
1:17 PM DenzelRubenstein: God its actually really depressing
i thought maybe thered been a shift in thought and normal hot people get on here and see what comes back
1:18 PM sadly its a bunch of black and latinas with names like "beyonce23" and "shakiraassmuncher44"
AnhQuanFraticelli: fuck
you would have thought that rom coms like "he's just not that into you" would have sent people to match.com in droves
1:19 PM and by people, i mean sad brunettes working in "media" and living in Ny
1:21 PM DenzelRubenstein: ha!
1:22 PM AnhQuanFraticelli: i just described my morning commute
a bunch of ok looking girls thinking about the emails they have to send this morning
1:23 PM DenzelRubenstein: 'ewww what is that guy doing? Oh is he jacking off? oh god! Im so tweeting this'
AnhQuanFraticelli: ha ha
1:25 PM DenzelRubenstein: when i got up this morning i saw a girl walk out her building in that standard whore office attire, where knowing its friday she dressed cute so she can get banged aftter happy with Steve from billing and services. She lit a cigarette and put on her glasses and wanted to just go up to her and grab her hair and slam her face first into my building and say "just fucking stop it ok. all of this."
1:27 PM instead i lit a cig of my own and farted, and thought "I think i need to take a shit"

Thursday, July 9, 2009

And the Oscar Goes To ...

4:13 PM RomanCoppola: so the oscars are changing their format for best picture
4:15 PM
instead of 5 best picture noms
it's 10
4:16 PM i cant tell whether this will be used for good or evil
4:17 PM could the producers of He's Just Not That Into You be thinking "maybe this is our year"?
4:21 PM NickCassavetes: haha. wow
i cant believe that
the list to me is always 2
and its clear what the winner is
RomanCoppola: exactly
and then you have your Secret Oscars
which only you and your friends care about
4:22 PM America never wins that one
4:23 PM NickCassavetes: sotrue

8 minutes
4:31 PM NickCassavetes: you never saw my black timberland boat shoes when you were here did you?
RomanCoppola: nope
4:32 PM NickCassavetes: well i spared you one orgasm you can now have during intercourse with a female
RomanCoppola: thank you
those are in short supply due to the casual drinking i'm engaged in
1-2 whiskey based cocktails is enough to turn my dick into an inanimate objet d'art
4:34 PM NickCassavetes: you can make a molding and send it to Telluride for the best foreign film award
4:37 PM RomanCoppola: "short film category"
ba dum pshhh
4:40 PM NickCassavetes: hah

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Look Ma, No Hands

12:52 PM
Charlie: just got back from a temp agency interview and I blew shit out of the water. im the most qualified dude for sure. my competition is GED educated mid 40's black women who use the "hunt and peck" technique on their typing test
Charlie: I scored an 86 on my Excel test and I was like "ouch" and she said, "no its fine, the avg score is 68"

its like if enrolled in film 101, and my first paper was on the affect of faces of a Mizoguchi
you know, until just right now, i can proudly say i have never written the words "mise en scene"
12:55 PM
thats like in 8 years theres gonna be a couple dick heads like us saying "I can proudly say, through all that bullshit, I never wore skinny jeans"
goddamn I dont even need you today, Im my own catalyst
just dont sign off
Mac: hahaha
12:58 PM
Charlie: so I usually dont pass blame on these sort of issues (like, jim got me hooked on junk, marjene got me hooked on pussy) but YOU my friend, I can safely say brought me right back to smoking, full on
Mac: i just helped you self-actualize
i'm like a death coach
Charlie: its true, ive never felt more like me
waking up in the morning with a crushed pack of cigarettes and an empty bottle of wine in my bed, is like going to see your mother after 16 years in San Quentin
... only to find out she's dead

Monday, June 15, 2009

Working Stiffs

3:37 PM Sterling: what up home snakes
3:38 PM Cooper: snakes snakes and more snakes, all the way down
3:39 PM Sterling: i'm so fucking sick of working
and it's not that i'm lazy
quite the opposite
i just want to do it in a windowless room, with no one else in it
hermetically sealed off
3:40 PM from assholes
3:41 PM i think i'm harboring a secret desire to be a cartoonist
3:42 PM Cooper: i have a secret desire to catch serial killers and terrorists. does that mean we can share an office?
Sterling: yeah
just make sure you write your name on your lunch so we don't get ours mixed up
3:43 PM Cooper: i once got caught with someone else's Pepsi. it was terrible
had their name in marker on it
Sterling: its like a scene out of a bad commercial
3:44 PM Cooper: exactly, and equally as funny
Sterling: did they react with a really passive aggressive sign scotch taped to the fridge?
3:45 PM Cooper: no but i heard from someone that someone told someone that someone may be pretty mad at me about something

Monday, June 1, 2009

Someone's got a case of the ____

Salt-n: oh cool, so by busy at work, you mean, busy at the location you call work, but in fact doing personal projects
-Pepa: yeah
its the only way i can fathom hearing a marimba sound come out my phone at 8:15am
5days per week

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Slow News Day

Charlton: are her friends hot?
2:17 PM Clint: no
2:18 PM strictly brooklyn caliber
they think its déclassé for a girl to wear nice jewelry and makeup cause of the recession
Charlton: yea
Clint: thats bullshit

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Apartment Therapy

1:20 PM Nigel: got major plans for the weekend?
1:21 PM Blake: Rachel's best homegirl bff from Chile is coming for a few weeks sometime between the hours of 1am and 8am tonight. theres that. minor plans otherwise
some music, some basketball watching
its actually raining right now
1:22 PM you?
1:24 PM Nigel: my main priority is getting rest
i'm starting to look like sweeney todd
i'm cutting a dudes film for money on sunday
thats it
whiskey or cabernet tonight fa sho
1:25 PM Blake: yea word
1:26 PM last night i was sippin on martini's with gorganzola stuffed black olives
1:27 PM Nigel: oh nice
a lounge?
1:28 PM Blake: yea in Oaklnad
really classy place
not cheap
1:29 PM its like im frontin when i do that, bc I go home hungry and eat refrigerated Hebrew Nationals in my ripped upp jeans, crying over the rabbit ears on my 13" TV
1:31 PM Nigel: ha ha
1:32 PM i wonder when its going to get to the point where i'm actually embarassed to take girls back to my shitty, ikea-filled apt
"eh, we're getting fumigation done. i'll pay for the taxi uptown, it's cool"
1:34 PM Blake: as long as no one looks in my fridge the facade plays. my clothes, my furniture, all acceptable. a Costco sized jar of chunky peanut butter with obvious finger trails and white wine spilling onto open salsa containers doesnt scream class
1:35 PM Nigel: boho chic goes a long way
but i feel it has a limited life span
at what age does it become, "ok James, when are you going to quit your job at Wasteland vintage"
"you havent made manager yet"
1:36 PM Blake: if i was single, the girls i would date, wouldnt be ok with it anymore.
(ie i would never date a hipster, now that i know what theyre all about)
1:37 PM Nigel: i dont think ive ever dated one
i mean, i would prob hate it,
but its not like im not gonna visit Moscow once before i die

Friday, April 17, 2009

Good Ass Movie

Siskel: Half Nelson was actually a good movieEbert: oh yea
Siskel: not like Garden State
Ebert: i really recommended it to people a total "story" based movie that was somehow interesting
5:28 PM Siskel: it's actually so good
that i disparage it in front of other people
i basically dare them to see it
Ebert: right
Siskel: like, you know the best way to get someone to see "2001"
just burn a copy of the dvd casually
just throw it in the fireplace
5:29 PM i don't really know how to recommend Good Movies to other people
5:30 PM i'm like, have you heard of "Hunger"?
(no, obviously)
then i proceed to describe it, do a mediocre job, and they get back to watching clips of Entourage
5:31 PM Ebert: i mean, I dont want to say, "its mind-blowing" or "you HAVE to see it" . i cant situate myself as that guy. so i always end up recommending films like Rocky and like, The Incredibles.
Bc I can say, "it was so good"
and they will think that
5:32 PM "oh you've never heard of 2001? Its like Rocky, but before and after he dies"
Siskel: i'm thinking of buying dvds of obscure films, packaging them in nondescript brown envelopes, with the words "SEE THIS BY TONITE OR ILL FUCKEN KILL U" in sharpie
sending them to friends

Ebert: thats a good idea, I mean realistically. not the kill you part. but just sending DVDs to people with notes like "if you watch this, theres a gram of blow waiting for you at the bar in 3 hours"
5:34 PM Siskel: "you will be quizzed though"
Ebert: exxactly
and once you actually send "Scream"
5:35 PM Siskel
5:36 PM:then you ask them about the themes and visual motifs going on
and they are incredibly well prepared
5:37 PM Ebert: so I saw two "regular" movies this week. one in theater, one in house. Sunshine Cleaning and Ratatouille
Siskel: oh man
5:38 PM Ebert: the former, Amy Adams is good. the latter, the last little VO monologue of the critic sorta did me good.
5:39 PM Siskel: i havent seen sunshine
but yea i know what youre talking about re: ratatouille
Ebert: So what im saying is im not gonna watch normal movies for a long time ... but I wasnt totally disheartened by what i saw
Siskel: theres a tendency to categorize movies into two groups
american and foreign
5:40 PM as if foreign is just some crazy fucking nation that produces mindblowing shit
all the time
5:41 PM Ebert: you should just guide people who you know who say that to terrible indy german movies
God knows ive seen a few
Siskel: yea
what was that one
5:42 PM The Re Edukators
or some shit
Ebert: YES!
thats it
Siskel: that fucking East/West berlin
fuck that movie
Ebert: no one sympathises with Germans
fuck off
5:43 PM you went from straight evil
to straight perfect
who cares

Friday, April 10, 2009

G.O.O.D. F.R.I.D.A.Y.

1:55 PM MartinLutherKingJr: are you giving yourself friday off?
1:56 PM MalcolmX: no in fact
my grandfather would kill me
1:57 PM is it an easter thing or is it a bank holiday, or do people combine the two in some sick gentile fuckfest?
2:00 PM MartinLutherKingJr: i dont think its a bank holiday
but non religious people and jews get to reap the benefits
2:01 PM almost like me going to 95% jew elementary school on LA's westside
"Yom Kippur"? fuck yea i'll take it
2:03 PM MalcolmX: haha.
no, fuck, I mean, "yea I'll hunt for some fucking eggs. where they at?"

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Nice Story About Fighting

GorgeousGeorge: did i tell you two weeks ago i actually got into a street fight
TheDiscoKid: oh yea?
no i didnt know
12:38 PM GorgeousGeorge: so first off, I completely am unwilling to fight generally for the past two years
But some dude (a bro type guy) was yelling FAGGOTS at me and my two friends. he was with one guy
I told him to stop
12:39 PM he said "FAGGOT! FUCKING FAGGOT!"
at the top of his lungs
i didnt understand
I asked "why faggots?"
he kept shouting and I was like stop, his friend was like stop
then he got closer to me and threw a punch,
12:40 PM I stepped back Ali style hit him in the face with my synthetic material gap jacket
covering his eyes
and my buddy hit him in the ear dropped him
12:41 PM i straddled his face, hit him twice in the mouth and eyes (maybe more) and whispered "Id fuck you if we were alone"
meanwhile the other dude goes up to my other friend and hits him
my buddy hit him back so hard, I thought he died
it sounded like the sound of death
maybe he died
I doubt it .
12:42 PM but yea
street fight in SF
TheDiscoKid: god thats so hard
GorgeousGeorge: i know
TheDiscoKid: you have the psychological violence of a prime mike tyson
GorgeousGeorge: no one assume some one who looks like my friends and I can eat african baby brains
12:43 PM also, the greatest part, We all felt terrible after
literally bad for them
its so weird
brb going to get a latte and a bearclaw