Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Merry Christmas

4:39 PM
Ángel: have you yelped a good chinese place and a movie theatre for wednesday?
Padre: ha, im going to the zoo
Ángel: you shouldn't call church that
Padre: haha
4:43 PM
Ángel: speaking of church i slept with that catholic girl yesterday
talk about a total lack of self control
Padre: good for you
did she have a confession booth set up next to her bed?
Ángel: she thinks atheists are hot ... just would never marry one
kind of like blacks / jews i guess
4:45 PM
Padre: did she sprinkle water in your face while you were cumming?
Ángel: I said,
"If there's one thing I've learned from Mother Theresa ...
... Moisturize daily"
Padre: haha
Padre: instead of biting her in the neck did she quickly place a cracker between your teeth
Ángel: i got tied up with a rosary and hung upside down
then we practiced judo for an hour

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What We Chat About When We Chat About Chats

3:32 PM Raymond Carver: so this lady i know (illegal immigrant from London) says that English major is actually quite respectable in England.
any truth to that?
or just fucking around
Anton Chekov: i dont know
3:34 PM im a rhetoric, Rachel works online. my roommates are American Studies and Anthro respectively. people here dont speak very good english unless they are posh. a ton of slang and many tense inconsistencies. so maybe she;s true
3:38 PM Raymond Carver: i hear that
3:42 PM today is one of those days where I am doing absolutely nothing. and then 5pm will roll around, i get a request and it's like ... Bitch? How DARE you
3:43 PM stunned reaction like someone actually asked me to do something
3:46 PM Anton Chekov: I feel that. when i used to work at the hotel in Berk, i wouldnt get a call on a Sunday for 6 hours, by then 12 epi's deep in Entourage and the phone would ring and I would answer "HeLLO!"
3:47 PM how many sick days you get a year
Raymond Carver: a good one is when your boss comes up to your desk and you close the chat window just before he gets there (phew) but while he is talking to you, you're praying that your buddy doesn't pop open a chat window: "YO FAGGOT, YOU FUCK THAT BITCH LAST NITE OR WHAT???"
3:48 PM busted
Anton Chekov: ha
3:49 PM if i could make an emoticon for me sucking your comedic asian dick, id have thrown it in ____ther
3:50 PM Raymond Carver: :-O <==8
it's my emoticon so i get to beef my dick up a little
3:53 PM Anton Chekov: its a nice graphic and a nice thought for us to part on. gotta finish up some work before Im so drunk I accidentally give an A to a German.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Kike Runner

5:02 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: you ever wish you could have been born into one of those professions you have to be born into? like dog breeder or salami store owner, polygamist.
10 minutes
5:13 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: muslim
i just want to go to mecca is all
5:14 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: just once (a year) forever
even after death
its worth it for that outfit i guess
5:15 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: when the women all dress like that how do you even date
Jean-Paul Belmondo: nothing screams "man" (or terrorist or Puerto Rican) quite like white from head to toe
Jean-Pierre Léaud: it's like christmas and 9 of the ten presents under the tree have socks in them
Jean-Paul Belmondo: its like Ramadan basically
5:16 PM
and youre the kind of guy who doesnt get hungry at night
5:17 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: you have to admit
nation of islam is a pretty fly look
Congolese dictator is good too
why do they all wear great sunglasses?
i know why... to shield the eyes from the harsh rays of imperial zionism
5:24 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: haha
to better block the "myth" of the holocaust
Jean-Pierre Léaud: right
i wish they'd trot out the "holocaust denier" slur when doing political smear campaigns
you know, just as an over the top gag or whatever
5:27 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: like vote for me and youll forget the holocaust never happened... and new mirrors in the boys bathroom

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Live Free or Die

3:39 PM
Guy Who Loves Tyler Durden: for the last four days ive lived off almonds olives chorizo wine and camels.
Guy Who Loves American Beauty: five major food groups
GWLTD: i only shit about every 72 hours
my metabolism is bored
GWLAB: im starting to think i cant take a shit without the aid of starbucks french blend
GWLTD: i think there should be lobbyists for not only the improvement of, but perfection of, every coffee shop bathroom
3:44 PM
GWLAB: like, the toilet should also be taken into consideration when giving a "is the toilet seat suitable for doing coke off of?"
like so
GWLTD: apt listings on Craigslist should be more bathroom minded too. 420 friendly is possibly the least helpful bit of info to provide. how about, you can hear each droplet of poop fall from my tiny girl asshole from every room in the house. or, jacking off in the shower is prohibited
useful shit
GWLAB: condoms must be tied off on the open end and placed into a plastic bag which must be also tied in a plastic bag and disposed of neatly and in an orderly fashion
3:52 PM
GWLTD: for every one night you bring home friends and are loud, thats one more time i remind you of the wireless bill,
GWLAB: couch is reserved monday through friday night for the express purpose of watching John and Kate Plus 8 (or Top Chef if I'm feeling a little adventurous) whilst eating Trix straight from the box
GWLTD: i am one of those people who somehow creates tonS of water just outside of the shower
3:56 PM

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Just One More And Then I Gotta Go

12:15 PM Sacco: yup yup
so i'm quitting drinking
for the time being
12:16 PM but i'm not telling anyone
12:18 PM Vanzetti: ok fair enough. Gay as it sounds, GQ had a brief opinion piece this month by a 27 yr old NYsee-er. he took 10 days off drinking, noticed a great difference but was ready to return after. sounds about like what you need, so good luck
12:21 PM cant hurt, youll end up beating off in bed a lot at night. its funny how once you start living an intense social night life, beating off becomes a morning and afternoon activiity only. beating off drunk is like daydreaming wiht a piece of cardboard in you rhand
12:22 PM Sacco: so true
12:23 PM fucking while drunk is like putting a phantom piece of cardboard in some college girl's mouth
12:24 PM Vanzetti: i think its sort of like having a really disengaged conversation about 18th century Brit-US relations with an old professor's aid, ... and also youre fucking someone

5 minutes
12:30 PM Sacco: you have the convo
but then you cum at the end
like knocking your drink off the bar
Vanzetti: god youre gonna miss drinkin
12:31 PM its been so "in" for the last 1000 years
Sacco: so is "health"
and "writing hit screenplays"

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Too Cool to Have a Soul

Chas: i need lots of money
Richie: yea
Chas: now
i hate how broke i am
Richie: shitty
work situation sucks?
Chas: no its good
12:01 PM i get paid alright money
Richie: just want to get rich -er?
Chas: yea exactly
just RICH
any jacket i want whencer
Richie: i can't let these liberal arts student niggas make more $$$ than me
Chas: i know
Richie: its unfair
i made decision recently
financial independence first
ghey art films second
12:02 PM Chas: exactly
Richie: only rich fagotas like wes anderson keep their soul
Chas: could we sell something to Andy Samberg, or just kill him and go to work on Monday for him and that ugly teamate he;s got
Richie: im too cool to have a soul
12:03 PM Chas: if my dad was Wes Anderson, Id defo make movies with Mike Bay
Richie: just to piss him off
Chas: "teenage rebellion"
Richie: i feel you
12:04 PM and scoff loudly during dads screenings
like everytime you see slo mo
you start texting loudly
Chas: haha
Richie: and farting in the direction of the screen

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Brown v. Board of Education

7:00 PM
Ridley: I taught high school today.
: one step closer to perfecting my Ryan Gosling image
Tony: what??
for real
Ridley: yea
Tony: what was the class
how to freebase out of a grannysmith apple
Ridley: ha! i just winged that shit?
Tony: jesus that is insane -- but they don't fall for the "cool teacher sitting on his desk" routine
: gonna rap to yalls about "social studies"
7:02 PM
Ridley: exaclty! indian style on top of the desk is the most immobile position to prepare to chase some Welfare case out of the room after he pisses on his "girlfriends" head
Tony: hahaha

Friday, November 14, 2008

4Real Estate

12:07 PM FleetwoodWhack: so how does a one bedroom in an affordable part of Manhattan run these days?
im thinkin April 1st
with my ho
LCDShitSystem: what for real?
FleetwoodWhack: yea
LCDShitSystem: i got a halfie
how exciting
12:08 PM FleetwoodWhack: nice
LCDShitSystem: errr instead of telling you how much rent is
why dont i just put it in terms of how many negative dollars you will be spending on cool clothes, entertainment and powdery drugs

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Pete Doherty x H&M x Yr Momz x Collabo FALL/WINTER '09

10:56 AM Disraeli: you know being out here makes me want to wear baggier jeans and t-shirts and just wear jackets and nikes. fashion out here is like Tina Fey back home. you have to see it, but you really dont fucking want to care about it. and even your mom knows what it is
11:01 AM Earl Grey: really?
that's weird
Disraeli: weird how?
Earl Grey: i would have thought you'd get that crisp english look
Disraeli: no they dont have that anymore
11:02 AM Earl Grey: that's only for the 2 percent who speak RP english and can afford dior homme
Disraeli: exactly man
most kids are ghey-hipster
the others are essentially from Kansas and the rest are Euro-trash
i sort of hate the style
11:03 AM i was imagining only suits, but its only boots and skinny's
11:06 AM its what Williamsburg is about to be, in April '09
11:07 AM im sick of it
i want uniforms
for everyone
Earl Grey: suits man
11:08 AM it's sad but that is a trend that will NEVER come back
unless U.S. economy collapses and we get Warren Buffettt to be our dictator
11:09 AM Disraeli: i know
i dont want to wear a suit per-say
11:10 AM just comment on how nice some dudes is

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Guy Fawlkes Day does, in fact, Exist

Nikil: saw a guy dressed as a keg
Saba: ha
Nikil: also weird
a guy who looked EXACTLY like noah wylie
so he dressed up in scrubs and played the dude from ER
Saba: waht
thats like you going as the suicide bomber in Apocolypse Now
Nikil: i'm told i look exactly like the kid brother from good morning vietnam
i thought people were just being ignorant and racist
but it's true

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A Bunch of Abstract Expressionists Fucked Up on Coke

24 minutes
3:58 PM Jeremy: rach says you are coming out to NY in may?
4:01 PM Chad: i think she really wants to and we both have the money for it
i want to go in like August
when its heroin hot
Jeremy: hopefully it will just be miller lite hot
4:02 PM i would even accept miller "chill" hot
Chad: henry miller chill
4:03 PM Jeremy: gets hot in the tropic of cancer
ok enough
4:04 PM Chad: shit son
4:08 PM Jeremy: i watched a three hour movie about carthusian monks
last night
netflix = masochism
4:11 PM http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?[REDACTED]
4:12 PM friends don't let friends do coke and get in the paint closet
@ 5am

8 minutes
4:21 PM Chad: fuck is that your living room?
Jeremy: yeah
Chad: thats what Jackson's pollocks placenta would look like
Jeremy: for real

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Sydney Poitier Runs The L.A.P.D.

9:48 AM Shia: yo i got pulled over by a cop this morning
how much do you think an illegal uturn ticket is??

32 minutes
10:20 AM Indiana: i can tell u exactly
i have a pending one
10:21 AM its a few hundred.
is there a sign that specifically says "no u turn?
if not, you can contest that shit
Shia: it was in the middle of a street
10:22 AM i crossed a double yellow
Indiana: yea
no luck pal
thats an official illegal maneuver
10:23 AM Shia: 1st time i've been pulled over -- i had been driving w/ utter impunity before then
10:24 AM i had expired insurance and reg. but the cop let it pass thank god

8 minutes
10:32 AM Indiana: they usually throw out the small stuff if youre nice.
too much paper work for a $10 fix it ticket
sorry tho
getting pulled over is a real glimpse into the black mans world
honestly -- its kind of scary, even if youre sober
10:34 AM Shia: i guess ... i've seen some real asshole cops before
this guy was alright -- black dude
didn't give me any shit
10:35 AM Indiana: ahh
well good
Shia: when ur black you have a choice: do i be terrence howard or motherfucking carlton from fresh prince
10:36 AM although terrence initially buckled in crash

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

No Country For Old Ravers

Milton: haha
did you see no country
Small: fucking tight right?
Milton: omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11:49 AM Small: scene in the gas station store is so well written
i want to go drinking w/ bardem
Milton: i know -- i guess ive been curious lately (not that it matters) how much of it it Joel and Ethans words vs how much is Cormac's
11:50 AM Small: it is exactly like it is in the book
Milton: they just DJ that shit
Small: ha ha ha
bardem's haircut is all coen bros. though -- stroke of genius
11:51 AM Milton: i know - i thought wig fo sho, but just jews idea of agood laugh
Small: serious

In The Future There Are No Sexes And We're All Wearing American Apparel

11:03 AM Bryce: wake up faggot
you at work too?

11:09 AM Van Patten
: ugh yeah
11:11 AM for about a week and a half i had $5 in my bank acct
i don't even buy coke, what's up with that shit???
11:12 AM Bryce: no more coke
11:13 AM Van Patten: drukqs aint no fun
11:14 AM you thought about driving to l.a. for the detour festival?
Bryce: yea i did, i was thinking Halloween, and flying
11:15 AM Van Patten: by that time i won't have a stick of furniture in my apartment but whatever
11:17 AM Bryce: fuck furniture, ill sleep on the cocaine, or one of your little itty bitty friends and their skinny jeans
Van Patten: the girl ones or the guy ones
they wear the same pants

My Dick Is An iPhone 3G

1:29 PM Leopold: i miss NY
Loeb: no shit
i miss it too
and i live here
Leopold: digg
you like that new weezy song
1:30 PM Loeb: i think it's shit
but it'll do well in the clubs
so good for weezy
1:31 PM Leopold: i went through youtube (you ever heard of it??) the other day and watched all the old Hot Boys videos
Loeb: ha ha
Leopold: i forgot how amazing southern rap was in the late 90's
Loeb: it's good eh
1:32 PM southern rap doesn't give a shit
that's why it's more fun
than ny rap
which is too serious sometimes
Leopold: yea
this is what i want my life to sound like
1:33 PM when a girl sucks my dick i want her tohear this
like the ocean to a seashell
1:34 PM Loeb: i want my dick to be like one of those kid's toothbrushes that play ringtones when you put them in your mouth
Leopold: i want my dick to have a bluetooth connection
Loeb: HA HA
Leopold: oh you can use that
Loeb: i want my dick to automatically sync w/ my macbook pro
1:35 PM Leopold: airbook
oh shit got to RUN