Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Merry Christmas

4:39 PM
Ángel: have you yelped a good chinese place and a movie theatre for wednesday?
Padre: ha, im going to the zoo
Ángel: you shouldn't call church that
Padre: haha
4:43 PM
Ángel: speaking of church i slept with that catholic girl yesterday
talk about a total lack of self control
Padre: good for you
did she have a confession booth set up next to her bed?
Ángel: she thinks atheists are hot ... just would never marry one
kind of like blacks / jews i guess
4:45 PM
Padre: did she sprinkle water in your face while you were cumming?
Ángel: I said,
"If there's one thing I've learned from Mother Theresa ...
... Moisturize daily"
Padre: haha
Padre: instead of biting her in the neck did she quickly place a cracker between your teeth
Ángel: i got tied up with a rosary and hung upside down
then we practiced judo for an hour

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What We Chat About When We Chat About Chats

3:32 PM Raymond Carver: so this lady i know (illegal immigrant from London) says that English major is actually quite respectable in England.
any truth to that?
or just fucking around
Anton Chekov: i dont know
3:34 PM im a rhetoric, Rachel works online. my roommates are American Studies and Anthro respectively. people here dont speak very good english unless they are posh. a ton of slang and many tense inconsistencies. so maybe she;s true
3:38 PM Raymond Carver: i hear that
3:42 PM today is one of those days where I am doing absolutely nothing. and then 5pm will roll around, i get a request and it's like ... Bitch? How DARE you
3:43 PM stunned reaction like someone actually asked me to do something
3:46 PM Anton Chekov: I feel that. when i used to work at the hotel in Berk, i wouldnt get a call on a Sunday for 6 hours, by then 12 epi's deep in Entourage and the phone would ring and I would answer "HeLLO!"
3:47 PM how many sick days you get a year
Raymond Carver: a good one is when your boss comes up to your desk and you close the chat window just before he gets there (phew) but while he is talking to you, you're praying that your buddy doesn't pop open a chat window: "YO FAGGOT, YOU FUCK THAT BITCH LAST NITE OR WHAT???"
3:48 PM busted
Anton Chekov: ha
3:49 PM if i could make an emoticon for me sucking your comedic asian dick, id have thrown it in ____ther
3:50 PM Raymond Carver: :-O <==8
it's my emoticon so i get to beef my dick up a little
3:53 PM Anton Chekov: its a nice graphic and a nice thought for us to part on. gotta finish up some work before Im so drunk I accidentally give an A to a German.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Kike Runner

5:02 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: you ever wish you could have been born into one of those professions you have to be born into? like dog breeder or salami store owner, polygamist.
10 minutes
5:13 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: muslim
i just want to go to mecca is all
5:14 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: just once (a year) forever
even after death
its worth it for that outfit i guess
5:15 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: when the women all dress like that how do you even date
Jean-Paul Belmondo: nothing screams "man" (or terrorist or Puerto Rican) quite like white from head to toe
Jean-Pierre Léaud: it's like christmas and 9 of the ten presents under the tree have socks in them
Jean-Paul Belmondo: its like Ramadan basically
5:16 PM
and youre the kind of guy who doesnt get hungry at night
5:17 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: you have to admit
nation of islam is a pretty fly look
Congolese dictator is good too
why do they all wear great sunglasses?
i know why... to shield the eyes from the harsh rays of imperial zionism
5:24 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: haha
to better block the "myth" of the holocaust
Jean-Pierre Léaud: right
i wish they'd trot out the "holocaust denier" slur when doing political smear campaigns
you know, just as an over the top gag or whatever
5:27 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: like vote for me and youll forget the holocaust never happened... and new mirrors in the boys bathroom

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Live Free or Die

3:39 PM
Guy Who Loves Tyler Durden: for the last four days ive lived off almonds olives chorizo wine and camels.
Guy Who Loves American Beauty: five major food groups
GWLTD: i only shit about every 72 hours
my metabolism is bored
GWLAB: im starting to think i cant take a shit without the aid of starbucks french blend
GWLTD: i think there should be lobbyists for not only the improvement of, but perfection of, every coffee shop bathroom
3:44 PM
GWLAB: like, the toilet should also be taken into consideration when giving a "is the toilet seat suitable for doing coke off of?"
like so
GWLTD: apt listings on Craigslist should be more bathroom minded too. 420 friendly is possibly the least helpful bit of info to provide. how about, you can hear each droplet of poop fall from my tiny girl asshole from every room in the house. or, jacking off in the shower is prohibited
useful shit
GWLAB: condoms must be tied off on the open end and placed into a plastic bag which must be also tied in a plastic bag and disposed of neatly and in an orderly fashion
3:52 PM
GWLTD: for every one night you bring home friends and are loud, thats one more time i remind you of the wireless bill,
GWLAB: couch is reserved monday through friday night for the express purpose of watching John and Kate Plus 8 (or Top Chef if I'm feeling a little adventurous) whilst eating Trix straight from the box
GWLTD: i am one of those people who somehow creates tonS of water just outside of the shower
3:56 PM

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Just One More And Then I Gotta Go

12:15 PM Sacco: yup yup
so i'm quitting drinking
for the time being
12:16 PM but i'm not telling anyone
12:18 PM Vanzetti: ok fair enough. Gay as it sounds, GQ had a brief opinion piece this month by a 27 yr old NYsee-er. he took 10 days off drinking, noticed a great difference but was ready to return after. sounds about like what you need, so good luck
12:21 PM cant hurt, youll end up beating off in bed a lot at night. its funny how once you start living an intense social night life, beating off becomes a morning and afternoon activiity only. beating off drunk is like daydreaming wiht a piece of cardboard in you rhand
12:22 PM Sacco: so true
12:23 PM fucking while drunk is like putting a phantom piece of cardboard in some college girl's mouth
12:24 PM Vanzetti: i think its sort of like having a really disengaged conversation about 18th century Brit-US relations with an old professor's aid, ... and also youre fucking someone

5 minutes
12:30 PM Sacco: you have the convo
but then you cum at the end
like knocking your drink off the bar
Vanzetti: god youre gonna miss drinkin
12:31 PM its been so "in" for the last 1000 years
Sacco: so is "health"
and "writing hit screenplays"