Still Life

[photo by Julian Tran]

DEAD RINGERS

11:58 AM Beverly: back on that internet crack

i chatted for the first time in months a couple days ago

it was like getting out of prison

Elliot: were taking a break

were you taking a break

11:59 AM Beverly: yeah

i needed a minute to remember how to write complete sentences

Elliot: im really into talking about my "humors"

not sense of humor

Beverly: oh you mean that medieval shit

Elliot: but like the 4 humors

yea

Beverly: yeah

the fluids

goddamn

12:00 PM Elliot: yup

Beverly: where did you go to school

Elliot: i think they are color coordinated too

Beverly: if my bitch started talking about humors id prob marry her

12:01 PM Elliot: some girl wakes up in my bed and im reading a medieval surgery book and feeling around by my liver and nodding my head like "yea, ok"

Beverly: you're like

i think i need to get schedule a trepanning this monday

12:02 PM Elliot: then i ask if shed like some rabbit for breakfast

12:04 PM Beverly: medieval times are great

better than the renaissance

12:05 PM youve just got all this meat curing in a shed behind your hut

Elliot: we really took a weird step there

12:06 PM it was going fine

with the Greeks

and Egypt

running pretty smooth

suddenly we got involved in witch hunts and blood letting

12:07 PM Beverly: right yeah

"trial by jury" involves getting tied up and thrown into a lake to see if you float

12:08 PM Elliot: punishments were creative though

12:09 PM a sort of torture Renaissance

Beverly: yeah, that was a real craft

12:10 PM some of that stuff would make excellent furniture in kanye wests house

Elliot: Kanye fucks his Nubian queen (who would have been burned at the stake back then) on something 5,000 Moores were quartered on

12:11 PM Beverly: ha ha

12:12 PM Elliot: (and i think im out of medieval knowledge)

12:13 PM Beverly: alright

well i am always down to make a king charlemagne joke

12:15 PM Elliot: there are far too many ways that peeling a boiled egg can go wrong

Beverly: i just ate one of those fuckers

whats your method

12:16 PM Elliot: i think a lot depends on post boil

put it in ice water

or not, maybe refrigerate

maybe eat hot

12:17 PM but let me tell you, when some off the white sticks to the shell and I rip off a bit, exposing the yellow, I could kill a baby pig

Babe

Beverly: plenty of times i have made the mistake

of just peeling off the shell

but leaving that awful membrane

around it

its like biting into a david cronenberg movie

(early cronenberg)

12:18 PM Elliot: biting into a late cronenberg movie would be trying to eat a stainless steel fridge in a loft in Seattle

Feeling Limited

Julio: what up broheim
got a few minutes to spare, while i'm at the airport
Kyle: whats up babe
10:24 AM what airport
Julio: colombo, sri lanka
i just took an hr long ride in a tuk tuk
i feel like my mouths been taped to the end of an exhaust pipe
10:25 AM Kyle: haha
Julio: had a nice screaming match with the driver
in order to bargain down the fare to 50%
b/c we literally had no sri lankan currency left
10:26 AM Kyle: you paid him in pond water and sour gummy bears?
Julio: he just wanted a box set of Prison Break
i had a hilarious convo today with this kid
10:27 AM near my hostel
he's like
so, is X-Files based on a true story?
i said no
it's the fiction of 12 Jewish guys in LA
he said, oh
like he knew what i was talking about
10:28 AM Kyle: and then you were like, "the other day, me and my girl were like, listening to the XX eating spanicopittas from Whole Foods, and she was like God, White Ribbon is such of rip off of Children of the Corn, hhahah."
______________________________________________________________
Julio: trains are some real ass shit though
you can hang out the side
Kyle: what
amazing
Julio: like you're robbing it
yeah
when you take a piss
it's literally just a hole that leads to the tracks
you can see the tracks whizzing past
as you whiz
10:31 AM Kyle: sounds like the perfect way to pee
im going to paint train tracks in the bowl of my toilet
10:32 AM and then move my head up and down really fast as i pee making "chug chug chug"sounds

Natural Born Scientists

1:12PM
π: who's ready to get down and suck monday's dick????
K-Pax: please, im still narrating my sunday in the fashion of David Attenborough
π: ha
K-Pax: i dont get depressed till I see Mathew Weiners name in the credits
π: is mad men on?
oh wait, its like 1pm your time
K-Pax: yea im just finishing my coffee and whatever MAlcom gladwell has to tell me for the week
what is it fuckling wednesday there?
whenever id talk to my friends from Barcelona id say "sorry I cant understand you from this far in the futre"
i must not have done my general relativity ratio properly before hitting the green button on Skype
π: its still sunday, but tomorrow we go back to 1989
and i get to listen to old people go on about how they couldnt eat bananas in e. berlin

1 Year Anniversary!

I guess we were too busy drinking/fighting/fucking/loving to notice this, but WEEKEND TERRORISM turned 1 year old on October 22nd. Sincere thank yous to all five of our readers.

XOXO J&C