WEEKEND TERRORISM

Still Life

2010-12-27T10:23:00.000-08:00

[photo by Julian Tran]

DEAD RINGERS

2010-06-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

11:58 AM Beverly: back on that internet crack

i chatted for the first time in months a couple days ago

it was like getting out of prison

Elliot: were taking a break

were you taking a break

11:59 AM Beverly: yeah

i needed a minute to remember how to write complete sentences

Elliot: im really into talking about my "humors"

not sense of humor

Beverly: oh you mean that medieval shit

Elliot: but like the 4 humors

yea

Beverly: yeah

the fluids

goddamn

12:00 PM Elliot: yup

Beverly: where did you go to school

Elliot: i think they are color coordinated too

Beverly: if my bitch started talking about humors id prob marry her

12:01 PM Elliot: some girl wakes up in my bed and im reading a medieval surgery book and feeling around by my liver and nodding my head like "yea, ok"

Beverly: you're like

i think i need to get schedule a trepanning this monday

12:02 PM Elliot: then i ask if shed like some rabbit for breakfast

12:04 PM Beverly: medieval times are great

better than the renaissance

12:05 PM youve just got all this meat curing in a shed behind your hut

Elliot: we really took a weird step there

12:06 PM it was going fine

with the Greeks

and Egypt

running pretty smooth

suddenly we got involved in witch hunts and blood letting

12:07 PM Beverly: right yeah

"trial by jury" involves getting tied up and thrown into a lake to see if you float

12:08 PM Elliot: punishments were creative though

12:09 PM a sort of torture Renaissance

Beverly: yeah, that was a real craft

12:10 PM some of that stuff would make excellent furniture in kanye wests house

Elliot: Kanye fucks his Nubian queen (who would have been burned at the stake back then) on something 5,000 Moores were quartered on

12:11 PM Beverly: ha ha

12:12 PM Elliot: (and i think im out of medieval knowledge)

12:13 PM Beverly: alright

well i am always down to make a king charlemagne joke

12:15 PM Elliot: there are far too many ways that peeling a boiled egg can go wrong

Beverly: i just ate one of those fuckers

whats your method

12:16 PM Elliot: i think a lot depends on post boil

put it in ice water

or not, maybe refrigerate

maybe eat hot

12:17 PM but let me tell you, when some off the white sticks to the shell and I rip off a bit, exposing the yellow, I could kill a baby pig

Babe

Beverly: plenty of times i have made the mistake

of just peeling off the shell

but leaving that awful membrane

around it

its like biting into a david cronenberg movie

(early cronenberg)

12:18 PM Elliot: biting into a late cronenberg movie would be trying to eat a stainless steel fridge in a loft in Seattle

Feeling Limited

2009-12-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

Julio: what up broheim
got a few minutes to spare, while i'm at the airport
Kyle: whats up babe
10:24 AM what airport
Julio: colombo, sri lanka
i just took an hr long ride in a tuk tuk
i feel like my mouths been taped to the end of an exhaust pipe
10:25 AM Kyle: haha
Julio: had a nice screaming match with the driver
in order to bargain down the fare to 50%
b/c we literally had no sri lankan currency left
10:26 AM Kyle: you paid him in pond water and sour gummy bears?
Julio: he just wanted a box set of Prison Break
i had a hilarious convo today with this kid
10:27 AM near my hostel
he's like
so, is X-Files based on a true story?
i said no
it's the fiction of 12 Jewish guys in LA
he said, oh
like he knew what i was talking about
10:28 AM Kyle: and then you were like, "the other day, me and my girl were like, listening to the XX eating spanicopittas from Whole Foods, and she was like God, White Ribbon is such of rip off of Children of the Corn, hhahah."
______________________________________________________________
Julio: trains are some real ass shit though
you can hang out the side
Kyle: what
amazing
Julio: like you're robbing it
yeah
when you take a piss
it's literally just a hole that leads to the tracks
you can see the tracks whizzing past
as you whiz
10:31 AM Kyle: sounds like the perfect way to pee
im going to paint train tracks in the bowl of my toilet
10:32 AM and then move my head up and down really fast as i pee making "chug chug chug"sounds

Natural Born Scientists

2009-11-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

1:12PM
π: who's ready to get down and suck monday's dick????
K-Pax: please, im still narrating my sunday in the fashion of David Attenborough
π: ha
K-Pax: i dont get depressed till I see Mathew Weiners name in the credits
π: is mad men on?
oh wait, its like 1pm your time
K-Pax: yea im just finishing my coffee and whatever MAlcom gladwell has to tell me for the week
what is it fuckling wednesday there?
whenever id talk to my friends from Barcelona id say "sorry I cant understand you from this far in the futre"
i must not have done my general relativity ratio properly before hitting the green button on Skype
π: its still sunday, but tomorrow we go back to 1989
and i get to listen to old people go on about how they couldnt eat bananas in e. berlin

1 Year Anniversary!

2009-11-08T06:58:00.001-08:00

I guess we were too busy drinking/fighting/fucking/loving to notice this, but WEEKEND TERRORISM turned 1 year old on October 22nd. Sincere thank yous to all five of our readers.

XOXO J&C

From L.A. to the Bay

2009-11-08T06:21:00.000-08:00

AliceWaters: most people from LA do not like the Bay

to live in i mean

6 minutes

7:39 PM EvaLongoria: Either you think it's beneath you and you hate it, or you think it's beneath you and you love it (i.e. you look at everyone as prey), or you love it (in which case, you probably hated LA anyway)

7:41 PM AliceWaters: yea i get that. I mean nothing against you at all of course. But clearly LA people are horrible, but the generaly population up here is so unattractive we let them slide. But for those of us who are good looking (eh hem) we generally view them as vaginal and anal secretions

7:44 PM EvaLongoria: sorry you need to repeat that. i was just finishing up my xlarge pinkberry

7:45 PM AliceWaters: I cant I have to head over to a prop 8 rally

7:46 PM EvaLongoria: im campaigning for cheap, affordable Tom Ford eyewear

7:48 PM AliceWaters: i just took a shower in recycled soy products

Auf Wiedersehen!

2009-11-04T17:02:00.000-08:00

11:40 PM Gudrun: ok, so berlin

11:42 PM Ursula: right ...

Gudrun: people actually say "wunderbar" (splendid)

i thought that only came from superman comics from the 1940s

surprised to find its an actual word

11:43 PM Ursula: ha, i heard they also say "jews" (or a word that sounds like that) for a goodbye greeting which i find nicely disgusting

Gudrun: yeah exactly

48 minutes

12:31 AM Gudrun: alright my boy, i'm out for the night

Ursula: JEWS

Gudrun: talk soon

JEWS

Being A Woman Is The Shit, Probably

2009-10-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

6:32 PM Jean-Claude: the fuck are you up to homeboy

6:33 PM Pierrot: just got home from a fucking catering gig omg

Jean-Claude: what?

jesus

Pierrot: i just picked up like 25 hours of work over the last two days

Jean-Claude: well on your way to selling a tv show to ABC i see

6:34 PM Pierrot: exactly

It does feel good to be without a doubt the coolest motherfucker in a room of 150 though

6:35 PM its like group head, but only one dick

mine

Jean-Claude: ha ha

6:36 PM Pierrot: but i bet im the only one who has to come home to three chocolate cookies, a banana and top ramen

Jean-Claude: arent you supposed to be stealing canapés and pot roast at these kinds of jobs

tray of devilled eggs, just "falls off the truck"?

6:38 PM Pierrot: yea i did

but i ate them there

6:39 PM got caught today too

eating soup

how embarrasing

Jean-Claude: fuck

Pierrot: its like getting caught jacking off, not to porn

or being arrested for stealing a case of coca cola

6:40 PM brb 90 sec

6:44 PM yo

Jean-Claude: so what kind of event did you cater?

6:45 PM Pierrot: well it wasnt really catering only

it was a HUGE conference at the Fairmont hotel

nicest in SF for sure

700 peops

had to room monitor, check in. and cater

all OT though

and easy

6:46 PM 4 blocks from my place

Jean-Claude: got it

ive worked those kinds of things before

6:47 PM but as a videographer

Pierrot: theres was one there

Jean-Claude: a lot of watery looking dudes in bad suits walking around with their wedding rings hidden in their pockets

6:49 PM Pierrot: thats right on. lots of guys who were like "yea I get it" when id make a joke and then walk away thinking. "fuck the youth"

Jean-Claude: haha

6:50 PM Pierrot: i swear. both my bosses were gay. so I just acted a little gay and flirty

i got whatever i wanted

being a woman is the shit probably

Jean-Claude: yeah i hear you

whenever i walk into the party i seek out the gay dude

6:51 PM im like, 'here's a guy who will probably be interested in what i have to say'

Pierrot: haha

hey do me a big gay favor. ok

6:52 PM text 510 465 2144. "hey cam, this is Cuyler via Julian. Im home and you can come by whenever. xoxo" you mind???

No Terror Here but Dammit its a Monday, so Enjoy

2009-09-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

"Oh nothing, just hanging out watching the US Open"

2009-09-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

8:39 PM
Federer: i wish i still enjoyed coke cause i'd do a ton of it
(alas)
Del Potro: sigh
8:41 PM
Federer: i wish i still enjoyed graphic novels too, but i guess it's for the best
Del Potro: or that you were gay bc you would fuck the living shit out of Floyd right now
Federer: exactly being straight kind of shuts you out
according to me, the world is flat, basically
there's a whole turtle under that globe that i have no idea exists

if that sounds weird, that's some shit medievalers used to believe
Del Potro: no no no I know it. "turtles all the way down"
Federer: ha yes
alright i'm out

My Dick Voted Against Universal Health Care

2009-09-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

11:21 PM Chad: my dick is so gay it fucks my own ass

11:22 PM Jeremy: my dick thinks therefore it is

Chad: ha!

11:24 PM my dick is resting calmly on the couch while i sit at my desk. he said he needs a "power nap" whatever that mean

11:25 PM Jeremy: my dick just needs it's space

Chad: my dick is mad at your dick

11:27 PM Jeremy: my dick took a couple of your eggs and probably won't tell you

11:28 PM

Chad: my dick spends five nights a weeks at his girlfriends only to come home and complain that the electric bill is too high and doesnt want to pay half

@The_Lost_Generation

2009-08-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

Cohn: last night i watched the first half hour of Manhattan and then the first half hour of Bottle Rocket. That may have been the funniest hour of movie magic in my life

11:39 AM Pedro: Manhattan is probably my favorite Woody Allen

fucking Mariel Hemingway or whoever that pre-teen is

what a heartbreaking scene

Cohn: it is here

her

11:40 AM Pedro: she offed herself huh

Cohn: no

her sis

margot

Pedro: yea margaux

Cohn: yes

mariel is alive

and in films

5'11"

11:41 AM Pedro: a giantess

if i, as some skinny, smart ass asian motherfucker

somehow started dating mariel hemingway

11:42 AM id be so fuckin glad her pops is under the ground

Cohn: foreal

Pedro: Thanksgiving would be like D Day

11:43 AM Cohn: "so Mr Hemingway, the lost generation hey?" pop pop pop

Pedro: haha

"hey Ernie, have you seen Keyboard Cat? Check this out .."

11:45 AM shit, i wonder if Pops threatened woody with violence if he tried anything funny

11:46 AM Cohn: he wasnt dead?

Pedro: i dunno

when did he die?

Cohn: its her Grandpa

her mom is his first wife

Pedro: oh he was long gone

60s

Cohn: mm

Pedro: manhattan wasnt till the late 70s

11:47 AM Cohn: if he saw the phrase @juliantran hed probably just have killed himself anyway

I Can't Keep Doing This ... With These ... People

2009-07-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

1:10 PM AnhQuanFraticelli: i'd pay 35 bucks to have an orgasm right now

that's how hungover i am

1:11 PM DenzelRubenstein: im surfing inet dating sites, foreal

im wearing a swimsuit

AnhQuanFraticelli: one of my good buddies out here has a true match.com success story

he likened it to "looking at fish in a barrell"

1:12 PM i'm thinking of posting my profile, but with a white jewish guy's picture

to see how horribly disadvantaged i am in real life

it's a struggle

1:13 PM DenzelRubenstein: haha

AnhQuanFraticelli: i work twice as hard to get the same pussy as a less cool white guy

it's insane

1:14 PM DenzelRubenstein: im looking for specific skill sets right now. amazing tolerance for cigarette smoke in bed, bisexuality, willing to beat me and makes >$50,00/year.

very few out there

1:15 PM AnhQuanFraticelli: the beating you part and the >50k are opposites on the venn diagram

DenzelRubenstein: im basically looking for that one retarted fish that gloates at the top of the barrell and plays dead until you fuck it to life

AnhQuanFraticelli: ha

right

1:17 PM DenzelRubenstein: God its actually really depressing

i thought maybe thered been a shift in thought and normal hot people get on here and see what comes back

1:18 PM sadly its a bunch of black and latinas with names like "beyonce23" and "shakiraassmuncher44"

AnhQuanFraticelli: fuck

you would have thought that rom coms like "he's just not that into you" would have sent people to match.com in droves

1:19 PM and by people, i mean sad brunettes working in "media" and living in Ny

1:21 PM DenzelRubenstein: ha!

1:22 PM AnhQuanFraticelli: i just described my morning commute

a bunch of ok looking girls thinking about the emails they have to send this morning

1:23 PM DenzelRubenstein: 'ewww what is that guy doing? Oh is he jacking off? oh god! Im so tweeting this'

AnhQuanFraticelli: ha ha

1:25 PM DenzelRubenstein: when i got up this morning i saw a girl walk out her building in that standard whore office attire, where knowing its friday she dressed cute so she can get banged aftter happy with Steve from billing and services. She lit a cigarette and put on her glasses and wanted to just go up to her and grab her hair and slam her face first into my building and say "just fucking stop it ok. all of this."

1:27 PM instead i lit a cig of my own and farted, and thought "I think i need to take a shit"

And the Oscar Goes To ...

2009-07-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

4:13 PM RomanCoppola: so the oscars are changing their format for best picture

4:15 PM

instead of 5 best picture noms

it's 10

4:16 PM i cant tell whether this will be used for good or evil

4:17 PM could the producers of He's Just Not That Into You be thinking "maybe this is our year"?

4:21 PM NickCassavetes: haha. wow

i cant believe that

the list to me is always 2

and its clear what the winner is

RomanCoppola: exactly

and then you have your Secret Oscars

which only you and your friends care about

4:22 PM America never wins that one

4:23 PM NickCassavetes: sotrue

8 minutes

4:31 PM NickCassavetes: you never saw my black timberland boat shoes when you were here did you?

RomanCoppola: nope

4:32 PM NickCassavetes: well i spared you one orgasm you can now have during intercourse with a female

RomanCoppola: thank you

those are in short supply due to the casual drinking i'm engaged in

1-2 whiskey based cocktails is enough to turn my dick into an inanimate objet d'art

4:34 PM NickCassavetes: you can make a molding and send it to Telluride for the best foreign film award

4:37 PM RomanCoppola: "short film category"

ba dum pshhh

4:40 PM NickCassavetes: hah

Just fucking stealing pics, stealing pics

2009-06-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

Have a Bless-ed Weekend You,alls

2009-06-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

Look Ma, No Hands

2009-06-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

12:52 PM
Charlie: just got back from a temp agency interview and I blew shit out of the water. im the most qualified dude for sure. my competition is GED educated mid 40's black women who use the "hunt and peck" technique on their typing test
Charlie: I scored an 86 on my Excel test and I was like "ouch" and she said, "no its fine, the avg score is 68"

its like if enrolled in film 101, and my first paper was on the affect of faces of a Mizoguchi
you know, until just right now, i can proudly say i have never written the words "mise en scene"
12:55 PM
thats like in 8 years theres gonna be a couple dick heads like us saying "I can proudly say, through all that bullshit, I never wore skinny jeans"
goddamn I dont even need you today, Im my own catalyst
just dont sign off
Mac: hahaha
12:58 PM
Charlie: so I usually dont pass blame on these sort of issues (like, jim got me hooked on junk, marjene got me hooked on pussy) but YOU my friend, I can safely say brought me right back to smoking, full on
Mac: i just helped you self-actualize
i'm like a death coach
Charlie: its true, ive never felt more like me
waking up in the morning with a crushed pack of cigarettes and an empty bottle of wine in my bed, is like going to see your mother after 16 years in San Quentin
... only to find out she's dead

Working Stiffs

2009-06-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

3:37 PM Sterling: what up home snakes

3:38 PM Cooper: snakes snakes and more snakes, all the way down

3:39 PM Sterling: i'm so fucking sick of working

and it's not that i'm lazy

quite the opposite

i just want to do it in a windowless room, with no one else in it

hermetically sealed off

3:40 PM from assholes

3:41 PM i think i'm harboring a secret desire to be a cartoonist

3:42 PM Cooper: i have a secret desire to catch serial killers and terrorists. does that mean we can share an office?

Sterling: yeah

just make sure you write your name on your lunch so we don't get ours mixed up

3:43 PM Cooper: i once got caught with someone else's Pepsi. it was terrible

had their name in marker on it

Sterling: its like a scene out of a bad commercial

3:44 PM Cooper: exactly, and equally as funny

Sterling: did they react with a really passive aggressive sign scotch taped to the fridge?

3:45 PM Cooper: no but i heard from someone that someone told someone that someone may be pretty mad at me about something

Someone's got a case of the ____

2009-06-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

Salt-n: oh cool, so by busy at work, you mean, busy at the location you call work, but in fact doing personal projects
-Pepa: yeah
its the only way i can fathom hearing a marimba sound come out my phone at 8:15am
5days per week

Brasserie Terrorisme

2009-05-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

Slow News Day

2009-05-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

Charlton: are her friends hot?

2:17 PM Clint: no

2:18 PM strictly brooklyn caliber

they think its déclassé for a girl to wear nice jewelry and makeup cause of the recession

Charlton: yea

Clint: thats bullshit

Apartment Therapy

2009-05-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

1:20 PM Nigel: got major plans for the weekend?

1:21 PM Blake: Rachel's best homegirl bff from Chile is coming for a few weeks sometime between the hours of 1am and 8am tonight. theres that. minor plans otherwise

some music, some basketball watching

its actually raining right now

1:22 PM you?

1:24 PM Nigel: my main priority is getting rest

i'm starting to look like sweeney todd

i'm cutting a dudes film for money on sunday

thats it

whiskey or cabernet tonight fa sho

1:25 PM Blake: yea word

1:26 PM last night i was sippin on martini's with gorganzola stuffed black olives

1:27 PM Nigel: oh nice

a lounge?

1:28 PM Blake: yea in Oaklnad

downton

really classy place

not cheap

1:29 PM its like im frontin when i do that, bc I go home hungry and eat refrigerated Hebrew Nationals in my ripped upp jeans, crying over the rabbit ears on my 13" TV

1:31 PM Nigel: ha ha

1:32 PM i wonder when its going to get to the point where i'm actually embarassed to take girls back to my shitty, ikea-filled apt

"eh, we're getting fumigation done. i'll pay for the taxi uptown, it's cool"

1:34 PM Blake: as long as no one looks in my fridge the facade plays. my clothes, my furniture, all acceptable. a Costco sized jar of chunky peanut butter with obvious finger trails and white wine spilling onto open salsa containers doesnt scream class

1:35 PM Nigel: boho chic goes a long way

but i feel it has a limited life span

at what age does it become, "ok James, when are you going to quit your job at Wasteland vintage"

"you havent made manager yet"

1:36 PM Blake: if i was single, the girls i would date, wouldnt be ok with it anymore.

(ie i would never date a hipster, now that i know what theyre all about)

1:37 PM Nigel: i dont think ive ever dated one

i mean, i would prob hate it,

but its not like im not gonna visit Moscow once before i die

Good Ass Movie

2009-04-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

Siskel: Half Nelson was actually a good movieEbert: oh yea

Siskel: not like Garden State

Ebert: i really recommended it to people a total "story" based movie that was somehow interesting

5:28 PM Siskel: it's actually so good

that i disparage it in front of other people

i basically dare them to see it

Ebert: right

hah

Siskel: like, you know the best way to get someone to see "2001"

just burn a copy of the dvd casually

just throw it in the fireplace

5:29 PM i don't really know how to recommend Good Movies to other people

5:30 PM i'm like, have you heard of "Hunger"?

(no, obviously)

then i proceed to describe it, do a mediocre job, and they get back to watching clips of Entourage

5:31 PM Ebert: i mean, I dont want to say, "its mind-blowing" or "you HAVE to see it" . i cant situate myself as that guy. so i always end up recommending films like Rocky and like, The Incredibles.

Bc I can say, "it was so good"

and they will think that

5:32 PM "oh you've never heard of 2001? Its like Rocky, but before and after he dies"

Siskel: i'm thinking of buying dvds of obscure films, packaging them in nondescript brown envelopes, with the words "SEE THIS BY TONITE OR ILL FUCKEN KILL U" in sharpie

sending them to friends

Ebert: thats a good idea, I mean realistically. not the kill you part. but just sending DVDs to people with notes like "if you watch this, theres a gram of blow waiting for you at the bar in 3 hours"

5:34 PM Siskel: "you will be quizzed though"

Ebert: exxactly

and once you actually send "Scream"

5:35 PM Siskel

5:36 PM:then you ask them about the themes and visual motifs going on

and they are incredibly well prepared

5:37 PM Ebert: so I saw two "regular" movies this week. one in theater, one in house. Sunshine Cleaning and Ratatouille

Siskel: oh man

5:38 PM Ebert: the former, Amy Adams is good. the latter, the last little VO monologue of the critic sorta did me good.

5:39 PM Siskel: i havent seen sunshine

but yea i know what youre talking about re: ratatouille

Ebert: So what im saying is im not gonna watch normal movies for a long time ... but I wasnt totally disheartened by what i saw

Siskel: theres a tendency to categorize movies into two groups

american and foreign

5:40 PM as if foreign is just some crazy fucking nation that produces mindblowing shit

all the time

5:41 PM Ebert: you should just guide people who you know who say that to terrible indy german movies

God knows ive seen a few

Siskel: yea

what was that one

5:42 PM The Re Edukators

or some shit

Ebert: YES!

exactly

thats it

Eduaktors

Siskel: that fucking East/West berlin

yea

fuck that movie

Ebert: no one sympathises with Germans

fuck off

5:43 PM you went from straight evil

to straight perfect

who cares

G.O.O.D. F.R.I.D.A.Y.

2009-04-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

1:55 PM MartinLutherKingJr: are you giving yourself friday off?

1:56 PM MalcolmX: no in fact

my grandfather would kill me

1:57 PM is it an easter thing or is it a bank holiday, or do people combine the two in some sick gentile fuckfest?

2:00 PM MartinLutherKingJr: i dont think its a bank holiday

but non religious people and jews get to reap the benefits

2:01 PM almost like me going to 95% jew elementary school on LA's westside

"Yom Kippur"? fuck yea i'll take it

2:03 PM MalcolmX: haha.

no, fuck, I mean, "yea I'll hunt for some fucking eggs. where they at?"

A Nice Story About Fighting

2009-04-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

GorgeousGeorge: did i tell you two weeks ago i actually got into a street fight

TheDiscoKid: oh yea?

no i didnt know

12:38 PM GorgeousGeorge: so first off, I completely am unwilling to fight generally for the past two years

But some dude (a bro type guy) was yelling FAGGOTS at me and my two friends. he was with one guy

I told him to stop

12:39 PM he said "FAGGOT! FUCKING FAGGOT!"

at the top of his lungs

i didnt understand

I asked "why faggots?"

he kept shouting and I was like stop, his friend was like stop

then he got closer to me and threw a punch,

12:40 PM I stepped back Ali style hit him in the face with my synthetic material gap jacket

covering his eyes

and my buddy hit him in the ear dropped him

12:41 PM i straddled his face, hit him twice in the mouth and eyes (maybe more) and whispered "Id fuck you if we were alone"

meanwhile the other dude goes up to my other friend and hits him

my buddy hit him back so hard, I thought he died

it sounded like the sound of death

maybe he died

I doubt it .

12:42 PM but yea

street fight in SF

TheDiscoKid: god thats so hard

GorgeousGeorge: i know

TheDiscoKid: you have the psychological violence of a prime mike tyson

GorgeousGeorge: no one assume some one who looks like my friends and I can eat african baby brains

12:43 PM also, the greatest part, We all felt terrible after

literally bad for them

its so weird

brb going to get a latte and a bearclaw

Caesar Chavez Day Only Comes Once a Year

2009-03-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

Julio: do you have tomorrow off, or is Caesar chavez only honored in white cities
4:59 PM Hugo: thats a luxury people from san luis obispo are allowed to enjoy
5:00 PM Julio: exactly, anyone who is poor enough not to know who he is, doesnt have the ability to celebrate him by getting drunk with their white friends
5:01 PM Hugo: the descedents of his farm labor initiatives all go to a public school that has Martin Luther King Jr. in the name
if you want to make sure your jr high school has good test scores
name that shit after warren buffett or some other rich, living millionaire
they will give a shit
5:03 PM Julio: The L Ron Hubbard School of Youth Advanced Placement and general Racism

5:05 PM Hugo: you know what i'm doing right now?
5:06 PM Julio: do i want to?

I Can't Believe I Own A Fucking iPhone

2009-03-31T09:56:00.000-07:00

ChadKroeger: i cant believe i own a fucking iphone ive never had a piece of technology that was part of the current zeitgeist

ScottStapp: i wish i had one

5:00 PM turning my ipod off to answer my cell phone is soooo embarrassing

ChadKroeger: i feel bad that its ruining the spirit of the bar bet

5:01 PM

its like blood doping for bar trivia night

ScottStapp: i know ..

5:05 PM ChadKroeger: 'wait a sec ... imma ask God in my pocket how a proper spaghetti carbonara is made'

5:07 PM ScottStapp: finding a restaurant has lost all risk

im hungry, lets go there

"no It only has 3.5 stars on yelp"

5:09 PM ChadKroeger: i wonder if you could type in 'abortion' and then the little crosshairs thingie that GPS locates you

5:10 PM and all the clinics in a 1 mile radius

5:12 PM ScottStapp: or you just shove the iphone into you back and forth viscously

6 minutes

5:19 PM ChadKroeger: maybe theres an app for it

on itunes

5:20 PM ScottStapp: i searched, you just get redirected to Christian Rock groups

ChadKroeger: ha

5:21 PM ScottStapp: if you had an offer "drop everything and join the band Creed for two years, and get everything that comes along with it" would you?

ChadKroeger: Creed in their prime?

5:22 PM or Creed now

ScottStapp: well yea in their prime

ChadKroeger: who am i kidding

Yes

ScottStapp: haha

Black, Handsome, I Sing ... Plus I'm RICH

2009-03-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

1:05 PM SlumdogChamillionaire: the gayest straightest song ever recorded, and i fucking love it. id say heaphones a must http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUDHdzAOSmw

12 minutes

1:18 PM KarlBloggerfeld: its interesting that he sings about fucking to an album that only came out last year?

SlumdogChamillionaire: no, came out in "94 i think

its the album that has "bump and grind"

KarlBloggerfeld: oh yeah

youre right

1:19 PM theres also a r kelly called 12th play fourth quarter

SlumdogChamillionaire: but what woman in their right mind wants to fuck to R kelly in 2009?

KarlBloggerfeld: i guess the ones who were old enough to listen to him in 94

SlumdogChamillionaire: exactly

1:20 PM so in love with kelly tho, i mean the dream

but kanyes gay bc he wears "tight" jeans

1:21 PM KarlBloggerfeld: kanye is goin off the deep end

which i think is cool

1:22 PM SlumdogChamillionaire: i am so ready for the complete drop off. he makes a sex tape fucking a white boy, and then drops the Greatest album of all time

1:23 PM KarlBloggerfeld: exactly

its going to be a hot album coupled with sheer terror, making for a perfect listening experience

like Thriller

1:25 PM SlumdogChamillionaire: its gonna have a naked pic of Warhol on the cover

wearing a terradactile mask

1:26 PM KarlBloggerfeld: the only thing better would be for Kanye to die tragically of AIDs before the release

SlumdogChamillionaire: contracted through junk tho, not gay sex

1:27 PM KarlBloggerfeld: if only that were prove-able

1:28 PM SlumdogChamillionaire: he'll have tracks, a swollen asshole and an ipod on, playing the greatest song ever made

1:29 PM when they find him

1:31 PM gonna go incognito here

38 minutes

2:10 PM SlumdogChamillionaire: i want to hear a rapper interview where they say, "I only listen to gangsta rap, what kinda dumb fucking question is that? How am I suppose to listen to fucking Zepplin, them fuckin crackers suck dick."

Executive Producers

2009-03-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

12:06 PM
Leonidas: Rachel has a video of you puking
i watched it last week
its the first page of my new graphic novel that hypothetically creates a world where we win the war in Nam
John Rolfe: word up
you can make a movie of it
i dont want my name in the credits but i'll take the check tho
12:09 PM
Leonidas: If i had three punches to any Hollywood chump, one would go to Zach Snyder
John Rolfe: who are the other two?
Leonidas: Charlize Theron and Tobey Macguire
John Rolfe: nice
solid picks
id do hilary swank
Leonidas: yea thatd be satisfying
John Rolfe: i dont think ill get flack for domestic abuse
Leonidas: no
John Rolfe: ill punch her ex husband too
just to rub it in
but when i tell people this anecdote, i'll conveniently forget to mention him
Leonidas: and the third?
12:13 PM
John Rolfe: Terrence Malick -- so i can get bizarre looks at one of ryland's house parties
Leonidas: haha
John Rolfe: theyre just impressed i was able to find him w/ out using a time machine

Knife Crime

2009-03-09T08:36:00.000-07:00

Tony: are you still shaved headed?

Shane: yeah

4:29 PM I can't really fight too good, so if I end up with a black eye, I want to have a shaved head

it just looks better

it looks like, "hey he got in a fight"

not, "boy that dude got his ass kicked"

4:30 PM Tony: very true (if only from This is England)

4:31 PM Shane: the day i get stitches in my face, i'm going to the shoppe and buying black boots and red suspenders to complete the look

4:32 PM Tony: or the next time you feel like repressing your homosexuality

Shane: no

thats what rap music is for

4:34 PM Tony: I cant decide if I think Brits are generally tough or not?

4:35 PM for example: a friend of mine there got really mad at his other friend and headbutted him ... (tough)

... but then they both cried after (not so tough)

Shane: a bloke will stab you over there

no question

but he'll use a rapier

4:36 PM Tony: haha (sp)

and his shank is swiped clean by a Burberry Kerchief

4:38 PM Shane: All the gangsters drink tea

Michael fucking Caine drinks earl grey even

4:40 PM Tony: i guess they are very willing to throw down, but they cant help being milky creatures. you cant be that tough if youre completely amorphous

4:41 PM its like fighting Gogurt

Blame It On Ron Howard

2009-03-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

2:15 PM JamieFoxxxx: Ron Howard killed Tupac & Biggie

2:16 PM I read it in the smoking gun

2:17 PM T-Wayne: serio dude.

im so sick!

JamieFoxxxx: you caught the plague

T-Wayne: i cant lift my dick to pee

JamieFoxxxx: fuck

sorry guy

2:18 PM T-Wayne: its the kinda sick thatll convince a brother hes had aids for a while now

2:19 PM and this is gonna be the end

JamieFoxxxx: yeah true

like when you see a character in a movie don a trench and a knitted beanie

and he hasnt shaved

you automatically think AIDS

2:20 PM its shorthand

theyve used it in everything: Philadelphia

Before Night Falls

T-Wayne: that one virginia woolf movie with ed harris

JamieFoxxxx: exactly

2:21 PM i was thinking of that

T-Wayne: hey, i saw the international

JamieFoxxxx: really?

T-Wayne: pretty great seriously

JamieFoxxxx: what?>

you got to be kidding me

2:22 PM T-Wayne: no man, excellent director(ing)

JamieFoxxxx: Did Clive ever stop the International

or did he just get a Black Card for his troubles

2:23 PM T-Wayne: no

bad plot

2:24 PM terribly overdone plot

amazing shots and edits and light and guns

2:27 PM JamieFoxxxx: are there any ho's

or is it bourne supremacy

2:28 PM T-Wayne: bourne.

2:31 PM JamieFoxxxx: Nice I'll have to go see

if it's with a girl, i'll take her to the version that has Julia Roberts in it

2:32 PM directed by Steven Soderbergh's kid brother

2:33 PM T-Wayne: exactly

mr and mrs international

Forty-Love

2009-02-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

11:58 AM McEnroe: lets go to the US open next year

a match that is

Connors: i'm in

McEnroe: we can go dressed in our best safari gear

11:59 AM i was walking down the street to go buy this new jacket the other day with Rach´s mom. she pointed into a store window and said, what about that one, its nice. i said "any store that has a safari hat in its window display is out of my price range"

12:00 PM Connors: yeah

you look up and it's The Ralph Lauren Purple Label collection

some Jewish guy's WASP fantasy

12:01 PM McEnroe: i walked by a huge gallery the other day. it was actually Burberry

its fucking disturbing

how can a jacket that weighs 23 ounces be €750?

12:02 PM Connors: yeah

you're like, "is this woven from God's cunt hairs?"

McEnroe: hah

hey were the grammies on last night?

12:03 PM Connors: i dont think they put anything worth watching up against the Super Bowl

McEnroe: oh right

Connors: not even an episode of LOST where they explain everything in forty five minutes

12:04 PM McEnroe: haha

Wanted: Pilot. No Landing Skills Necessary

2009-02-18T20:19:00.000-08:00

Newark: im applying to this job right now http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/trp/1030268738.html

1:18 PM LaGuardia: i dont think your definition of "wonderful personality" is the same as theirs

1:19 PM Newark: im with Alex and we were thinkin maybe its gonna be a "take this black audi to this location, leave the keys in the tire well, and walk away" after which i would reply, "and the money?"

LaGuardia: ha ha

1:20 PM "is there room for advancement within the company?"

5 hours

5:44 PM Newark: thatt driving job was a scam

5:45 PM LaGuardia: did they email you back?

5:46 PM Newark: yea

one of those standard ESL emails detailing that i would be paid a large sum of money if i give them my info

$700 a week

3 jobs

5:47 PM a week

for 3 weeks

im gonna send back an attached picture of the Trade Towers burning down, and ask if theyre down?

World's Fair: 2009

2009-02-11T13:59:00.000-08:00

6:22 PM
Taro Aso: you still promoting sectarian violence abroad?
Ehud Olmert: im conducting violent raids of my liver domestically now
Taro Aso: J&B WMDs

The Gaytorialist

2009-02-11T08:51:00.001-08:00

SamMenendes: im debating on whether to see Revolutionary Road dubbed en español tonight1:04 PM AlanBallin: dubbing

ugh

say what you want about america

SamMenendes: i know..

AlanBallin: but at least we dont do that

SamMenendes: its terrible

1:05 PM its like tagging a Diego Rivera mural

1:06 PM AlanBallin: it's like facebook tagging a DR mural

SamMenendes: haha

AlanBallin: (arrows pointing to the workers rising up against the CAP I TA LEEST macheen)

1:09 PM funny story

1:10 PM yesterday i got mistaken for the designer who made Michelle Obama's inauguration ball gown

by two old ladies who used to work for VOGUE

i said "No" in my basso profundo

and they cowered in the shadow of my preening heterosexuality

1:11 PM SamMenendes: really

how

were you silk screening in a loft

1:12 PM ?

1:14 PM AlanBallin: no

just had the misfortune of wearing a perfectly fitted blazer at a fashion photography exhibit

1:19 PM when a girl finds out youre not gay (just happen to own a pair of polished prada chelsea boots) she gets so excited like she just got admitted to Brown on appeal

Land Without Bread

2009-02-06T08:44:00.000-08:00

11:12 AM Cortes: so when Rachel and her friend went to Portugal a month ago, i met some dude out one night and we got drunk and talked and all that. the next he came by and smoked me out. mind you hes a yank from New Orleans living in SF

the day he left, he left a copy of Mischner´s "Iberia" on my doorstep

you heard of it?

Pisarro: have not

11:13 AM Cortes: any way, its some seminal text on Spain, written in the sixties by some whitey from Penn. he told me to write him when i finished it whith what i think, bc hes SO into it.

turns out its about one of the most racist things ive read

11:14 AM so colonial sounding

its like the journal of Bartolome de Las Casas

you can look that up`if you need

Pisarro: i will

racist in which way and against who?

11:15 AM Cortes: an example.

"the spaniard peasants who i encountered had leathered skin and even their best clothes were torn. but they were each more handsome than the last"

shit like that

i mean it was like ´55

not 1492

anyway, im not sure what to write this guy

Pisarro: its like when conrad writes about the high cheekboned savages with their skin like obsidian

11:17 AM it's like, did someone just say "black muscles"?

Cortes: i know

i was waiting for head measurements

i put it down after 50 pages

Pisarro: yeah

this is going to be a weird convo

"interesting book luke"

11:19 AM Cortes: exactly. i dont want to write him at all, but i always run into people i avoid. ill see him in the Mission next month

guarantee

Pisarro: exactly

Cortes: ill just say i loved it, especially the parts about the gentle savages

11:20 AM Pisarro: i once went to a dinner not long ago and a girl asked me if i liked the film "Irreversible" I said I LOVED IT. Then, immediately thereafter, "well ahem, as much as anyone COULD like that movie ... i guess ... more wine?" (psst that movies is the bomb son)

11:21 AM Cortes: haha

its like admitting you like to be beaten during sex

Pisarro: you appreciate it for aesthetic reasons

11:22 AM "i really only get beaten for the articles"

The Metamorphosis of Racists

2009-01-31T03:15:00.000-08:00

9:32 PM
Reygadas: yo, i want sbarrros n***a
Almodóvar : you know there was a protest by shop owners in Barcelona recently to not allow the selling of sombreros in Pakistani shops
bc peops were buying thinkin they were Spanish
Reygadas: damn
Almodóvar : ive been here for three months and i still think they are.
i also think all Spanish people come from Native Americans
i ask them if their grandparents are "mayan" ..
and i do the finger quotes
Reygadas: ha ha
that really gets the blood boiling
you sit down in a restaurant and loudly wonder where the chalupas are
9:34 PM
Almodóvar : i always ask for a glass of Corona and a Mexican Pizza, if they dont understand I say, "oh, sorry, a number 8 please"
9:35 PM
Reygadas: HA
every country every race has someone to hate
we should all be swiss
the only thing they hate is assymetry
Almodóvar : and war
9:36 PM
Reygadas: and fun ... now that i think about it
i can't think of anyone buying sombreros in spain
except horribly racist college students having "beaner parties"
at BU
(Barcelona U)
9:38 PM
Almodóvar : yea thats the problem, its brtis buying little sombrero thingeys at shops and sending them home to mom. "hi from Spain" with a postcard of Zapata

Psychopathia Sexualis

2009-01-30T13:41:00.000-08:00

3:44 PM Araki: sex sells is an american phrase but Europeans are the only ones whove taken it to heart

3:46 PM Itami: they're so bored of being tittilated

throwing a tit or an ass in there is like picking out a font

Araki: word

3:47 PM its the Japs that really are nailin it these days. no longer under the blade of samurai sword, their sexuality skipped 400 years straight to the future: pee pee and poo poo with tons of giggling all the way home

3:48 PM Itami: call me prude

3:49 PM i dont think i could ever acquire the taste of an octopus tentacle tickling my asshole while sex-ing

i just want clean sheets and the lights off

tasteful music

3:50 PM Araki: what one might in other terms refer to as "japanese"

theyve just gone and confused everything

how can you eat and fuck sushi?

3:51 PM Itami: right

i wish modern japan had existed when freud was around

he would have had a field day

maybe his own TV talk show

the 1st thing i'm doing when i invent time travel is go back and show Freud 2 Girls 1 Cup

3:52 PM Araki: hahahahaha

Laughing All The Way To The Bank

2009-01-27T15:11:00.000-08:00

BernieMadoff: take a pic of yourself wearing only that and an ipod

GordieGekko: ha ha

BernieMadoff: and date it!

GordieGekko: for posterity

10:22 AM BernieMadoff: exactly.

GordieGekko: i'll hold up a copy of the new york times

like terrorists do to prove daniel pearl is still alive

10:23 AM BernieMadoff: and send it to mark hunter

or is it marc

10:24 AM GordieGekko: i just don't want him raffling it off at one of his fag garage sale

BernieMadoff: ha

GordieGekko: it's unconscionable (sp?) to give party photogs any more money than they already receive

BernieMadoff: oh my word. do people do that?

10:25 AM i thought it was just their shit

GordieGekko: i think it's all free schwag he gets

then sells to these echo park guppies

BernieMadoff: hes the kind of celeb that still begs for pussy

10:27 AM GordieGekko: do you think he bangs models?

or future models that are still in jr high school

10:28 AM BernieMadoff: i think he fucks their default uglier friend. while they flirt with the guy from MSTRKRFT

GordieGekko: talk about a rock and a hard place

BernieMadoff: but he comes super quickly and blames it on all the blow he and Aoki do

10:29 AM GordieGekko: I blame my premature ejac on Aoki and Hunter

It's just so plausible

Then we discuss the gentrification of bushwick as we smoke a cigarette

BernieMadoff: i blame it on the current state of the economy

10:30 AM like im in the market

i had a bad quarter

GordieGekko: i can't concentrate on fucking when i'm thinking about my bomb cover letter
BernieMadoff: "sorry, can we do this later, im just very focused on my OBJECTIVE this evening"

Portrait of the Artist: prt 2.

2009-01-25T10:07:00.001-08:00

4:01 PM
JulesSchnabel: yeah
like you can't write a great novel on a typewriter if you can afford a word processor
quit trying to be a romantic asshole
4:03 PM
GuvnorKlimt: this is very true
the last time i fucked around on a typewriter i felt like i had cerebral paulsy
4:04 PM
JulesSchnabel: it's like wearing sunglasses indoors
GuvnorKlimt: ha
you have to be a drunk to think thats a good way to produce anything
4:06 PM
JulesSchnabel: yeah
you can't afford a dell inspiron but you can afford the secretary
that's going to make 20 carbons for random house

Portrait of the Artist

2009-01-22T13:54:00.000-08:00

2:32 PM JulesSchnabel: when are we getting our first facebook president

cant wait for the GOP to dig up pics of my boy holding a red plastic solo cup in every goddamn photo

2:33 PM GuvnorKlimt: ha

2:34 PM when i get rich im getting a sarcophagus
bed

JulesSchnabel: rachel gets buried alive with you

2:35 PM GuvnorKlimt: exactly

and you

im bringin my whole crew

JulesSchnabel: fuck

i guess i am living longer considering how i've spent more of my life eating tofu than you have

2:36 PM GuvnorKlimt: i just dont think i want to do this for all that long

its fuckin tiring

2:37 PM i just got back from the Picasso museum, excuse my negativity. I just have this urge to beat women

2:38 PM JulesSchnabel: that's part and parcel of being a genius, unfortch

2:39 PM GuvnorKlimt: seriously, why do movies like Wedding Crashers portray the kid brother as a gay pussy bc hes an artist. he should be beating women, beating RAchel McAdams

2:41 PM JulesSchnabel: right

walking into andy warhol's studio and pissing in the fireplace

calling Velvet underground a bunch of faggots

GuvnorKlimt: exaclty

2:42 PM JulesSchnabel: artists are hard

The Inauguration Report

2009-01-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

Jay-Z My President is black Remix LIVE 1-18-09 from pleasedontstare on Vimeo.

Itzhak Perlman: id tap Malia Obama
Yo YO Ma: ha
now guess who's coming to dinner
Itzhak Perlman: "this is cuyler. he forgot to vote, but hes really sweet (and white)"
Yo YO Ma: are you live podcasting the inauguration?
Itzhak Perlman: yea
Yo YO Ma: ha ha
Itzhak Perlman: george´s mental monologue is "pheww, so what should i do later?"
Yo YO Ma: he's taking a road trip to big bear to go snowboarding
Itzhak Perlman: your office watchin?
Yo YO Ma: yeah
CNN on the flat screen
our first "hi def president"
Yo YO Ma: so so def

Richer Than God

2009-01-14T20:24:00.000-08:00

AnhQuanCarnegie: i saw this UNREAL penthouse apt in NoLita

HyramDRockefeller: where that?

12:33 PM AnhQuanCarnegie: near the east village

rich israelis with great taste

HyramDRockefeller: nice, so you movin?

AnhQuanCarnegie: concocting a plan to leave my semen everywhere so i can wedlock into the family

12:34 PM HyramDRockefeller: why were you there? conducting a circumcision?

12:35 PM AnhQuanCarnegie: this girl dexter knows was house sitting

it's one of those places where if you try bringing a bottle of wine under $40 dollars into the house it spontaneously combusts in your hands

12:36 PM HyramDRockefeller: haha

12:37 PM AnhQuanCarnegie: when we found the sauna it was like the jews finding the holy land

12:38 PM HyramDRockefeller: dont you think we make jokes that are too "rich" for us?

12:39 PM i feel like i make 165k/year every time we talk

12:40 PM both of our immigrant grandparents would be ashamed. yours specifically, so serious probably.

12:41 PM AnhQuanCarnegie: too educated for our socio-econ status

HyramDRockefeller: shoulda gone to Chico.

Just Another Day at the Office

2009-01-11T04:38:00.000-08:00

4:20am (bitch)
______________________

Mickey: i'm playing wimbledon final against a hangover
Rourke: im watchin wimbledon starring Paul Bettany
Mickey: I got jamaal onto blognigger
Mickey: i prefaced by saying, "I want to show you this blog and I'm pretty sure your friends know it but they don't have the balls to tell you about it"
Rourke: then did you ask if his dick is really that big?
Mickey: ha ha ha

Fashion Terrorists

2009-01-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

11:30 AM JohnGaylliano: i feel like i didnt "get" fashion until skinny jeans were invented

TomBored: even though i dont wear them, i agree

11:31 AM JohnGaylliano: i can wear normal pants now -- i'm "with it"

just needed those fashion training wheels so to say

TomBored: i opt for the 514 over the 511. which actually makes the transition to pants easier

JohnGaylliano: ha ha

im still wearing jeans that are dyed like khakis

11:32 AM TomBored: ha

JohnGaylliano: hoping to make the jump in second fiscal quarter of 09

TomBored: ha

11:33 AM i think it, for me, was just a matter of waiting until pants started being cut for sneakers instead of brogues. bc i dont think ill ever make the transistion to real shoes, or boots. i feel like i take everything too seriously if i wear leather on my feet that long

11:34 AM like "can i listen to the new Nas while wearing Clarks?"

or can i smoke weed anymore?

should i start wearing condoms?

11:35 AM JohnGaylliano: "do i really need to look in random peoples medicine cabinets when takin a simple piss?"

11:36 AM TomBored: "will i ever investigate what that actually is on my inner thigh?"

JohnGaylliano: oh

11:37 AM just to show you how laid i am getting -- and consequentially how arrogant i am

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=10&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=15029622&parentid=M_SHOES_CASUAL&sortProperties=+product.marketingPriority,-product.startDate&navCount=12&navAction=poppushpush&color=

have somehow summoned the courage to wear these every day

even at work

TomBored: fuck you

Merry Christmas

2008-12-30T02:10:00.000-08:00

4:39 PM
Ángel: have you yelped a good chinese place and a movie theatre for wednesday?
Padre: ha, im going to the zoo
Ángel: you shouldn't call church that
Padre: haha
4:43 PM
Ángel: speaking of church i slept with that catholic girl yesterday
talk about a total lack of self control
Padre: good for you
did she have a confession booth set up next to her bed?
Ángel: she thinks atheists are hot ... just would never marry one
kind of like blacks / jews i guess
4:45 PM
Padre: did she sprinkle water in your face while you were cumming?
Ángel: I said,
"If there's one thing I've learned from Mother Theresa ...
... Moisturize daily"
Padre: haha
Padre: instead of biting her in the neck did she quickly place a cracker between your teeth
Ángel: i got tied up with a rosary and hung upside down
then we practiced judo for an hour

What We Chat About When We Chat About Chats

2008-12-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

3:32 PM Raymond Carver: so this lady i know (illegal immigrant from London) says that English major is actually quite respectable in England.

any truth to that?

or just fucking around

Anton Chekov: i dont know

3:34 PM im a rhetoric, Rachel works online. my roommates are American Studies and Anthro respectively. people here dont speak very good english unless they are posh. a ton of slang and many tense inconsistencies. so maybe she;s true

3:38 PM Raymond Carver: i hear that

3:42 PM today is one of those days where I am doing absolutely nothing. and then 5pm will roll around, i get a request and it's like ... Bitch? How DARE you

3:43 PM stunned reaction like someone actually asked me to do something

3:46 PM Anton Chekov: I feel that. when i used to work at the hotel in Berk, i wouldnt get a call on a Sunday for 6 hours, by then 12 epi's deep in Entourage and the phone would ring and I would answer "HeLLO!"

3:47 PM how many sick days you get a year

Raymond Carver: a good one is when your boss comes up to your desk and you close the chat window just before he gets there (phew) but while he is talking to you, you're praying that your buddy doesn't pop open a chat window: "YO FAGGOT, YOU FUCK THAT BITCH LAST NITE OR WHAT???"

3:48 PM busted

Anton Chekov: ha

3:49 PM if i could make an emoticon for me sucking your comedic asian dick, id have thrown it in ____ther

3:50 PM Raymond Carver: :-O <==8

it's my emoticon so i get to beef my dick up a little

3:53 PM Anton Chekov: its a nice graphic and a nice thought for us to part on. gotta finish up some work before Im so drunk I accidentally give an A to a German.

The Kike Runner

2008-12-21T06:52:00.000-08:00

5:02 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: you ever wish you could have been born into one of those professions you have to be born into? like dog breeder or salami store owner, polygamist.
10 minutes
5:13 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: muslim
i just want to go to mecca is all
5:14 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: just once (a year) forever
even after death
its worth it for that outfit i guess
5:15 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: when the women all dress like that how do you even date
Jean-Paul Belmondo: nothing screams "man" (or terrorist or Puerto Rican) quite like white from head to toe
Jean-Pierre Léaud: it's like christmas and 9 of the ten presents under the tree have socks in them
Jean-Paul Belmondo: its like Ramadan basically
5:16 PM
and youre the kind of guy who doesnt get hungry at night
5:17 PM
Jean-Pierre Léaud: you have to admit
nation of islam is a pretty fly look
Congolese dictator is good too
why do they all wear great sunglasses?
i know why... to shield the eyes from the harsh rays of imperial zionism
5:24 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: haha
to better block the "myth" of the holocaust
Jean-Pierre Léaud: right
i wish they'd trot out the "holocaust denier" slur when doing political smear campaigns
you know, just as an over the top gag or whatever
5:27 PM
Jean-Paul Belmondo: like vote for me and youll forget the holocaust never happened... and new mirrors in the boys bathroom

Live Free or Die

2008-12-18T08:06:00.000-08:00

3:39 PM
________________________________________________________
Guy Who Loves Tyler Durden: for the last four days ive lived off almonds olives chorizo wine and camels.
Guy Who Loves American Beauty: five major food groups
GWLTD: i only shit about every 72 hours
my metabolism is bored
GWLAB: im starting to think i cant take a shit without the aid of starbucks french blend
GWLTD: i think there should be lobbyists for not only the improvement of, but perfection of, every coffee shop bathroom
3:44 PM
GWLAB: like, the toilet should also be taken into consideration when giving a "is the toilet seat suitable for doing coke off of?"
like so
GWLTD: apt listings on Craigslist should be more bathroom minded too. 420 friendly is possibly the least helpful bit of info to provide. how about, you can hear each droplet of poop fall from my tiny girl asshole from every room in the house. or, jacking off in the shower is prohibited
useful shit
GWLAB: condoms must be tied off on the open end and placed into a plastic bag which must be also tied in a plastic bag and disposed of neatly and in an orderly fashion
3:52 PM
GWLTD: for every one night you bring home friends and are loud, thats one more time i remind you of the wireless bill,
GWLAB: couch is reserved monday through friday night for the express purpose of watching John and Kate Plus 8 (or Top Chef if I'm feeling a little adventurous) whilst eating Trix straight from the box
GWLTD: i am one of those people who somehow creates tonS of water just outside of the shower
3:56 PM
GWLAB: ha
_________________________________________________

Just One More And Then I Gotta Go

2008-12-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

12:15 PM Sacco: yup yup

so i'm quitting drinking

for the time being

12:16 PM but i'm not telling anyone

12:18 PM Vanzetti: ok fair enough. Gay as it sounds, GQ had a brief opinion piece this month by a 27 yr old NYsee-er. he took 10 days off drinking, noticed a great difference but was ready to return after. sounds about like what you need, so good luck

12:21 PM cant hurt, youll end up beating off in bed a lot at night. its funny how once you start living an intense social night life, beating off becomes a morning and afternoon activiity only. beating off drunk is like daydreaming wiht a piece of cardboard in you rhand

12:22 PM Sacco: so true

12:23 PM fucking while drunk is like putting a phantom piece of cardboard in some college girl's mouth

12:24 PM Vanzetti: i think its sort of like having a really disengaged conversation about 18th century Brit-US relations with an old professor's aid, ... and also youre fucking someone

5 minutes

12:30 PM Sacco: you have the convo

but then you cum at the end

unexpectedly

like knocking your drink off the bar

Vanzetti: god youre gonna miss drinkin

12:31 PM its been so "in" for the last 1000 years
Sacco: so is "health"

and "writing hit screenplays"

Too Cool to Have a Soul

2008-11-30T10:27:00.000-08:00

Chas: i need lots of money

Richie: yea

Chas: now

i hate how broke i am

Richie: shitty

work situation sucks?

Chas: no its good

12:01 PM i get paid alright money

Richie: just want to get rich -er?

Chas: yea exactly

just RICH

any jacket i want whencer

ehenver

Richie: i can't let these liberal arts student niggas make more $$$ than me

Chas: i know

horrible

Richie: its unfair

i made decision recently

financial independence first

ghey art films second

12:02 PM Chas: exactly

Richie: only rich fagotas like wes anderson keep their soul

Chas: could we sell something to Andy Samberg, or just kill him and go to work on Monday for him and that ugly teamate he;s got

Richie: im too cool to have a soul

12:03 PM Chas: if my dad was Wes Anderson, Id defo make movies with Mike Bay

Richie: just to piss him off

Chas: "teenage rebellion"

Richie: i feel you

12:04 PM and scoff loudly during dads screenings

like everytime you see slo mo

you start texting loudly

Chas: haha

Richie: and farting in the direction of the screen

Brown v. Board of Education

2008-11-22T00:38:00.000-08:00

7:00 PM
Ridley: I taught high school today.
: one step closer to perfecting my Ryan Gosling image
Tony: what??
for real
Ridley: yea
Tony: what was the class
how to freebase out of a grannysmith apple
101
Ridley: ha! i just winged that shit?
Tony: jesus that is insane -- but they don't fall for the "cool teacher sitting on his desk" routine
: gonna rap to yalls about "social studies"
7:02 PM
Ridley: exaclty! indian style on top of the desk is the most immobile position to prepare to chase some Welfare case out of the room after he pisses on his "girlfriends" head
Tony: hahaha

4Real Estate

2008-11-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

12:07 PM FleetwoodWhack: so how does a one bedroom in an affordable part of Manhattan run these days?

im thinkin April 1st

with my ho

LCDShitSystem: what for real?

FleetwoodWhack: yea

LCDShitSystem: i got a halfie

how exciting

12:08 PM FleetwoodWhack: nice

LCDShitSystem: errr instead of telling you how much rent is

why dont i just put it in terms of how many negative dollars you will be spending on cool clothes, entertainment and powdery drugs

Ha! Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Conservative Republican McCain, Palin, all you motherfuckers I went to high school with, PTA, Christians, ahhhhhh!

2008-11-05T02:37:00.000-08:00

Pete Doherty x H&M x Yr Momz x Collabo FALL/WINTER '09

2008-11-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

10:56 AM Disraeli: you know being out here makes me want to wear baggier jeans and t-shirts and just wear jackets and nikes. fashion out here is like Tina Fey back home. you have to see it, but you really dont fucking want to care about it. and even your mom knows what it is

11:01 AM Earl Grey: really?

that's weird

Disraeli: weird how?

Earl Grey: i would have thought you'd get that crisp english look

Disraeli: no they dont have that anymore

11:02 AM Earl Grey: that's only for the 2 percent who speak RP english and can afford dior homme

Disraeli: exactly man

most kids are ghey-hipster

the others are essentially from Kansas and the rest are Euro-trash

i sort of hate the style

11:03 AM i was imagining only suits, but its only boots and skinny's

11:06 AM its what Williamsburg is about to be, in April '09

11:07 AM im sick of it

i want uniforms

for everyone

Earl Grey: suits man

11:08 AM it's sad but that is a trend that will NEVER come back

unless U.S. economy collapses and we get Warren Buffettt to be our dictator

11:09 AM Disraeli: i know

i dont want to wear a suit per-say

11:10 AM just comment on how nice some dudes is

Guy Fawlkes Day does, in fact, Exist

2008-10-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

Nikil: saw a guy dressed as a keg
a WORKING keg
______________________
Saba: ha
Nikil: also weird
a guy who looked EXACTLY like noah wylie
so he dressed up in scrubs and played the dude from ER
______________________
Saba: waht
?
thats like you going as the suicide bomber in Apocolypse Now
!
Nikil: i'm told i look exactly like the kid brother from good morning vietnam
i thought people were just being ignorant and racist
but it's true
fuck
_______________________

A Bunch of Abstract Expressionists Fucked Up on Coke

2008-10-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

3:34 PM Chad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B12pP8nGgnY&feature=email

24 minutes

3:58 PM Jeremy: rach says you are coming out to NY in may?

4:01 PM Chad: i think she really wants to and we both have the money for it

i want to go in like August

when its heroin hot

Jeremy: hopefully it will just be miller lite hot

4:02 PM i would even accept miller "chill" hot

Chad: henry miller chill

4:03 PM Jeremy: gets hot in the tropic of cancer

ok enough

stop

4:04 PM Chad: shit son

4:08 PM Jeremy: i watched a three hour movie about carthusian monks

last night

netflix = masochism

4:11 PM http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?[REDACTED]

4:12 PM friends don't let friends do coke and get in the paint closet

@ 5am

8 minutes

4:21 PM Chad: fuck is that your living room?

Jeremy: yeah

Chad: thats what Jackson's pollocks placenta would look like

Jeremy: for real

Sydney Poitier Runs The L.A.P.D.

2008-10-23T18:45:00.000-07:00

9:48 AM Shia: yo i got pulled over by a cop this morning

how much do you think an illegal uturn ticket is??

32 minutes

10:20 AM Indiana: i can tell u exactly

i have a pending one

10:21 AM its a few hundred.

is there a sign that specifically says "no u turn?

if not, you can contest that shit

Shia: it was in the middle of a street

10:22 AM i crossed a double yellow

FUUUUCK

Indiana: yea

no luck pal

thats an official illegal maneuver

10:23 AM Shia: 1st time i've been pulled over -- i had been driving w/ utter impunity before then

10:24 AM i had expired insurance and reg. but the cop let it pass thank god

8 minutes

10:32 AM Indiana: they usually throw out the small stuff if youre nice.

too much paper work for a $10 fix it ticket

sorry tho

getting pulled over is a real glimpse into the black mans world

honestly -- its kind of scary, even if youre sober

10:34 AM Shia: i guess ... i've seen some real asshole cops before

this guy was alright -- black dude

didn't give me any shit

10:35 AM Indiana: ahh

well good

Shia: when ur black you have a choice: do i be terrence howard or motherfucking carlton from fresh prince

10:36 AM although terrence initially buckled in crash

No Country For Old Ravers

2008-10-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

Milton: haha

did you see no country

Small: fucking tight right?

Milton: omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:49 AM Small: scene in the gas station store is so well written

i want to go drinking w/ bardem

Milton: i know -- i guess ive been curious lately (not that it matters) how much of it it Joel and Ethans words vs how much is Cormac's

11:50 AM Small: it is exactly like it is in the book

Milton: they just DJ that shit

Small: ha ha ha

bardem's haircut is all coen bros. though -- stroke of genius

11:51 AM Milton: i know - i thought wig fo sho, but just jews idea of agood laugh

Small: serious

In The Future There Are No Sexes And We're All Wearing American Apparel

2008-10-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

11:03 AM Bryce: wake up faggot

you at work too?

11:09 AM Van Patten
: ugh yeah

11:11 AM for about a week and a half i had $5 in my bank acct

i don't even buy coke, what's up with that shit???

11:12 AM Bryce: no more coke

11:13 AM Van Patten: drukqs aint no fun

11:14 AM you thought about driving to l.a. for the detour festival?

Bryce: yea i did, i was thinking Halloween, and flying

11:15 AM Van Patten: by that time i won't have a stick of furniture in my apartment but whatever

11:17 AM Bryce: fuck furniture, ill sleep on the cocaine, or one of your little itty bitty friends and their skinny jeans

Van Patten: the girl ones or the guy ones

they wear the same pants

My Dick Is An iPhone 3G

2008-10-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

1:29 PM Leopold: i miss NY

Loeb: no shit

i miss it too

and i live here

Leopold: digg

you like that new weezy song

1:30 PM Loeb: i think it's shit

but it'll do well in the clubs

so good for weezy

1:31 PM Leopold: i went through youtube (you ever heard of it??) the other day and watched all the old Hot Boys videos

Loeb: ha ha

Leopold: i forgot how amazing southern rap was in the late 90's

Loeb: it's good eh

yeah

1:32 PM southern rap doesn't give a shit

that's why it's more fun

than ny rap

which is too serious sometimes

Leopold: yea

this is what i want my life to sound like

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BumcoxotNb0

1:33 PM when a girl sucks my dick i want her tohear this

like the ocean to a seashell

1:34 PM Loeb: i want my dick to be like one of those kid's toothbrushes that play ringtones when you put them in your mouth

Leopold: i want my dick to have a bluetooth connection

ahhhj

Loeb: HA HA

Leopold: oh you can use that

Loeb: i want my dick to automatically sync w/ my macbook pro

1:35 PM Leopold: airbook

oh shit got to RUN

'IM LATE